


Let Him Burn

by PrincipeHayden



Category: Black Veil Brides, Palaye Royale (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Drama & Romance, Eating Disorders, F/M, M/M, More tags to be added, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Relationship(s), Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Sexual Content, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-01-07 22:07:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 31,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12241557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincipeHayden/pseuds/PrincipeHayden
Summary: Andy's flame beginning to burn out. His life is crumbling with each passing minute, between an abusive relationship and marriage, and past demons coming through, he doubts he'll be able to survive throughout this upcoming tour, let alone year.When the second leg of his solo tour starts, Andy knows he won't survive or even make the homecoming to Los Angeles when the tour ends. However, one person might be able to relight his flame. Only if they can help before tour ends and Andy's flame completely burns out forever."Used to be, I had light, I had fire in my chest. But now, I'm all out, and I got nothing left." -Ribcage, Andy Black.Title inspired by Let Him Burn by The Relentless from American Satan. American Satan is n theaters October 13th.[Remington LeithxAndy Biersack]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, I'm sort of back with a new story. I've been very busy and just life has been crazy. Anyway, this one of the new stories I've been working on based off of the song Let Him Burn from American Satan. I hope you like it. This can also be found on my Wattpad too if I don't always update on here. Thanks.

Waking up in pain was nothing new to Andy. Then again, he was always in pain. It seemed to be constant, both physically and mentally. Before he used to go to bed in pain from touring, drinking too much to numb his demons, and unhealthy habits he thought he told himself he wouldn't venture back into; although the pain from those old habits he ventured back into now weren't the only thing he was waking up in pain from.

From some old and slightly new self-inflicted wounds to old injuries he gave himself on the stage that were now causing some issues, to the empty feeling inside him, he woke up to a sore body full of scrapes and bruises. It didn't happen often, but it happened enough that his body was left in pain from every waking moment. His meds and some Advil helped dull the pain on the outside, but not all the time on the inside.

His mind was constantly at battle with himself and heart. It didn't help him that Juliet would tell him things that made him fight against and question himself. The words fought against him, his demons, and habits. Making him believe he had to follow her words or advice, otherwise he knew he wouldn't be good enough for her. His worst fear was not being good enough for her, among his others.

Slowly sitting up to not worsen the pain, Andy gently rubbed the sleep from his face and then got up hissing quietly as the pain rang through his body. Going over to his closet he pulled out one of his long sleeve shirts then went over to his dresser to pull out a pair of sweats and fresh underwear. Taking them in his arms, he carefully walked out of his room and into the hallway to reach the main bathroom. It was the one bathroom he used the most since he wasn't really allowed in the master bedroom or master bath unless in that room because the entire master bedroom was Juliet's.

Yes, it all Juliet's.

When they had first moved into their new apartment, Andy thought it was a dream. He never imagined to be finally living with his fiancé in an apartment together, their apartment. However, his short dream of happiness and joy was crushed instantly. Over the days they were moving in and making sure everything was in order, Andy had come over one day without Juliet only to see the master bedroom with none of his belongings in it and just with Juliet's. When he asked why, he remembered being told that if he really and truly loved her, he would let her have the entire room to herself and that he would get to spend to time in it when possible. Of course, though when he was told this, he disagreed on this suggestion. For Andy, it felt odd. They had always shared a room together when staying at each other's apartments. Hell, Andy was always surprised when Juliet stayed over at his apartment and slept in his room even with it being a disaster; so, for Juliet to tell him they would have separate rooms it made him wonder why.

And as the date for them to fully move in came closer, disagreements came up between them over it. Every time Andy tried to reason with her about the issue, it ended badly for him. He distinctly remembers one night of trying to talk about it, he got thrown the same card that he gotten many times before of asking if he loved her as much as he said and that if he did he would let have the master bedroom to herself. Of course, when he told her he loved her and wanted her to have what she wanted; he still brought up the fact that with them getting married they should share the room together. Juliet did not take that well for an answer. She slapped him, and that was the first time he remembers her slapping him. He can remember looking at her as she walked off into his-their-room that night and leaving him standing there in his living room. He remembered he cried for hours afterwards, laying on his old couch, and thinking over what happened.

The day after him thinking it through, Andy had agreed to let Juliet have the master bedroom all too herself and took her out to dinner that night as if nothing happened because it seemed as nothing happened, or at least how Juliet acted and how Andy took the situation. He kept telling himself that it was a one time thing, and it wouldn't happen again; yet it did happen again, and again, and now he couldn't tell if this was how their relationship was supposed to be going. His mind, heart, and demons were fighting him with so many answers to his questions, and his love for her fought too.

Stepping into the hallway now clean, freshly dressed, and hair still a bit damp, he made his way back into his room to grab his phone off the charger before heading into the kitchen. He always made breakfast every morning if he was home. She cooked, but not breakfast; unless you count her after workout shakes as breakfast. If he was home in the mornings or not on tour, he was the one who cooked. He didn't mind though, it made him feel productive in the morning even if she didn't always like what he cooked or even acknowledged him in the morning. And when she did praise him for his cooking and acknowledged him, it may feel as if he was doing something right; and that made him feel pride.

When he came into the kitchen, he noticed one his pets and his best friend who he had for a few years; Crow. His little fur ball and baby. Walking over to where he sat on a chair at the island, he began to pet him and scratch his head, earning a few purs and leaning into his arm to rub his head against Andy.

"Hi Crow, how you are doing this morning?" He asked him getting a pur in response causing a small laugh escape him. "I'll get you fresh food in a minute I know you're probably hungry. I got to change Daredevil's, Femme's, and yours water before I give you guys fresh food for today. Okay buddy." 

Placing a kiss on Crow's head, he went over and grabbed their water blows to change the water. Placing them all back on their spots on the floor once filled up, he went over and began to put fresh food in each of their bowls. Once he opened Daredevil's bag of food, he heard the soft sounds of the tiny dog's feet tap against the floors and sniffing his way into the kitchen. For a dog that's blind, he was able to sniff his way around the house like a hunting dog sniffing out for a bird. Smiling at seeing the brown and black dog walk into the kitchen and sniff him out, Andy finished filling up his bowl and moved onto filling up Crow's and Femme's with fresh food which instantly got Crow's attention from the chair and was down by his bowl in a few seconds.

Smiling at his two babies he placed the bags of food back in their spots before going over once more to pet Crow and Daredevil who both didn't move from their eating. Standing up and thankful for his pain finally being gone now from taking his pills, he went over to the fridge and pulled out the items he needed for breakfast and his protein shake he made himself daily. Now all he do was cook breakfast for Juliet and make himself his breakfast.

When he finished cooking breakfast for Juliet he set in its spot on the island before go back over and placing everything he used either back in its spot, the pans in the sink, and placing the rest of his shake in travel cup to have later. If he remembered he could take it later for rehearsal. Then he'd have an excuse for when they got food. It seemed to work at some past rehearsals.

Hearing some footsteps and the sound of small pitter patter coming from Daredevil, Andy turned around and saw Juliet taking a seat at the island. He smiled over at her hoping to earn a smile back; however, she seemed to already be eating and scrolling through her phone. Licking his lip, he cleared his throat quietly as possible and decided to gain her attention since he wasn't going to by smiling.

"Good morning, babe."

Juliet looked up from her phone and swallowed the food in her mouth before replying. "Oh, good morning Andy. Didn't see you there."

The light laugh she gave at the end made him question if she did see him and not saying anything or if she really didn't see him. He sometimes couldn't tell, and more importantly he didn't want to possibly anger her by going against what she said.

"Oh." He said lowly. "Uh, so, how are you? Did you...did you sleep well last night?"

For the next few minutes there was silence beside her long nails tapping against her phone and her fork hitting against the plate as she set it down. He watched as she took her phone in her hands and go in the posting for a selfie. A smile appeared on her face and Andy continued to watch as she posted that to whatever app she was using before she looked at him.

"What was that? Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

"I..I asked how you are doing this morning an..and if you slept well last night?"

She smiled widely. Possibly fake too. "I slept very well last night, and I'm doing fairly well this morning. What about you, babe?"

Taken back a little by her question, Andy shifted on his feet and felt his mind trying to create the perfect sentence to use. He couldn't just tell her that he didn't sleep well or really wasn't doing well this morning. 

"I'm doing alright. Slept..pretty good good last night. I had..had a protein shake for breakfast while I was making yours,." Andy replied to her softly, feeling uncomfortable. He could already feel some of his anxiety come up. He didn't need it this morning. He hoped his pills would kick in soon so he didn't have to take another one.

"Mm, that's good baby. Glad you slept good last night. Also, what are you having for breakfast? You're looking a bit better."

The question she asked him made him feel a small bit of pride and happiness through him. He was looking better, and Juliet was noticing again. After all, he had gained a bit of weight since the wedding and last tour even if he tried to keep it at the weight he was during the wedding. So, maybe he lost the small amount of weight he gained during that time.

"I had..I had a protein shake while I was making yours. I have them nearly every morning."

"They must be working with whatever else you're doing Andy, though you still have a ways to go." Juliet told him in between taking bits of her food. "As much as I hate to ruin your day; however, I need you to clean the house today if you have time before you have to leave for tour rehearsal. I'm hanging out with some of my friends and they're coming to pick me up around eleven thirty to hang out before we come back here to hang out. So, if the house was clean for us, that would be great. Can you do that for me?"

The feeling Juliet's words gave him before that question were now pushed to the back burner. Cleaning the house wasn't something he had in mind today. At all. He wanted to relax before rehearsal, maybe get some sleep without pain, and go out for a small walk with Daredevil. Now, Andy wasn't going to be able to do that. Cleaning the house could take up majority of his day, and he knew that if he didn't clean the house it would end badly for him. As it had a few times before. When she had gone out one night to hang with friends, he decided to clean the house since it hadn't been cleaned in a few weeks. Andy thought he had done a good job. Reorganized the kitchen, dusted and vacuumed, even did the wash that hadn't been touched in a while. For Juliet, it didn't seem good enough. She pointed out all the small mistakes in his cleaning, the fact that he 'moved' items around on her in majority of the rooms, and the fact when he washed the clothes he mixed their together and apparently ruined a shirt of hers due to one of his hoodies dye color bleeding through it during the wash. It was the only shirt of hers that was ruined and nothing else. Not even his clothes. He told her he would buy her a new one, another shirt, or even something completely different.

However, Juliet didn't care for that and the most Andy remembers in the moment after that disagreement was waking up on the floor in the hallway with Crow, Femme, and Daredevil all around him as he outside his room. It wasn't the first time that happened, and he knew it wouldn't be the last despite how many times he told himself it wasn't going to happen again. From the first time she slapped him when moving in, to the countless other times were he woke up on the floor, had scrapes and bruises he had on his body — it would always happen, even if he told himself it wouldn't.

"Andy?"

"Sorry Jules I was lost in thought. "He spoke back up looking at her with a faint smile. "I can totally do that. I'll clean. I can start after I take Daredevil for a small walk outside if that's fine."

Juliet smiled at him causing him to feel a pool of happiness fill him. "That would be great babe. Also, thank you for making breakfast again. I'm going to go get changed for my workout now."

She got up from the chair and walked over to were Andy was standing and placed a feather like kiss on his cheek before walking back towards her room.

"You're welcome. Anything for you Jules." Andy said as she left. He was alone again as always. Sighing, he picked up her plate and began to throw away what she didn't eat. Placing the plate in the sink he figured he better start with the kitchen for cleaning. Since he was in here, it would be the right place to start and would take one thing to do off his check list today. _All you have to do is survive until you need to leave for rehearsal. That's all you have to do Andrew... ___

__——_ _

__Rehearsal for tour had went well again, or what it seemed. Andy had blacked out quite a few times during the songs. He was exhausted from cleaning earlier, the fact he only ate a small Nature Valley bar with water for lunch, and he was to focused on the thoughts racing through his mind. There was a dull pain running through him, then again, he seemed to always be some sort of pain. Thankfully during this rehearsal, he didn't fall or faint. He nearly fell and fainted twice last week during a rehearsal and they stopped for a good thirty minutes to make sure he was fine. He always insisted he was fine, even if he wasn't._ _

__Now, they were having a small rundown meeting of what will happen when they fly out next week. They had packed up all their equipment from today's sessions and now Andy stood next to Beaux in their small formed circle with a dull look in his eyes and a can of Monster in his hand. It was one drink keeping him up standing. He would have to get something stronger, like coffee, on his way home for sure._ _

__"Alright, since this one of our last rehearsals before we take off in the next few days, we need to run by some stuff."_ _

__Andy stood there awkwardly taking a sip of his Monster. He was honestly half listening to anything, Jon, his manager, was saying to them. He was thinking multiple things and not many good. Today's rehearsal ended ten minutes after nine, and them packing up the equipment added an extra twenty or so minutes to that, and now they were having a meeting. He texted Juliet that he would be home around ten, now it looked more like ten thirty or eleven. Andy was still getting that coffee even if it added extra time for him to get home. He needed something to help him keep awake until he got home and especially through LA's night traffic._ _

__"Are you listening Andy?"_ _

__Snapping back into reality and nodding with a small smile, Andy spoke out. "Yeah, I am listening. Sorry, Jon."_ _

__"Right, anyway as I was saying, with this being one of our last rehearsals before we take off in the next few days, we need to run by a small list of stuff before I send out the complete list by email and group text." Jon stated once again while Andy stood there uncomfortable. He wanted to go home and be by himself with his pets, yet he couldn't. He never was alone between his mind and Juliet._ _

__"We'll be heading out of LA around early afternoon and fly to our first stop where the tour bus will be for us to load everything on and then we will head to our hotel for the first night there. William will be there a day early before us, yet still at the same hotel, and the other band touring with us will be there too."_ _

__"We'll get to meet them when we arrive there?" He spoke up causing everyone to stare at him. It was really the first time he asked a question other than asking one about the set for the tour. Noticing everyone staring at him, Andy shuffled on his feet and looked down. These were the times he wished he kept his lip ring in, yet with his new persona it didn't fit and Juliet told him it made him seem to unprofessional and made him unattractive. He could always put it back in; however, he feared Juliet could rip it out. She almost did with his nose ring once._ _

__"We'll be on the same flight as them actually. So, we'll meet them there. I don't know who is sitting by who yet with tickets, but we'll see when that happens."_ _

__Andy nodded in agreement. As much as he excited for meeting this new band - or as much he could express right now - his anxiety about meeting them was high. This was new people to be around, and who knows how they would react to meeting him. Would they hate him? Be disgusted with him? Never want to tour or work with him again either on the solo project or with Black Veil Brides in the future? Hell, what if they didn't want to interact him with during the tour and interact with everyone else? Mentally wincing at those thoughts, he kept his composer throughout the rest of meeting. He was ready to leave, get his coffee, and head home. Then he could think this through and realize that his fears and anxieties over meeting this new band was nothing to worry about. Everything would end up going fine when meeting them; he hoped._ _

__Once they had finally finished both the meeting and making sure everything was packed up, Andy made sure to have all his stuff in the back pack he used for tour. Seeing he did, he waved and said goodbye to everyone there as he made his way towards his car. Now, all he had to do was go buy his coffee and head home. Home, to his wife, pets, and bed. Then maybe he could relax today. He needed to relax so badly, he needed to get home. Though, he needed that coffee first._ _

__Finally getting home, he walked into the house and was greeted by Crow, Femme, and Daredevil at the door. They were the only three who greeted him with love when he entered their apartment. At times, they were only three to greet him when he came home. He was lucky to have these three in his life, otherwise he didn't know how he would survive now. They were his comfort and always knew what was wrong. They slept with him when needed. Although, mostly it was Crow since that cat knew him the most._ _

__With a faint smile, Andy sat down cross-legged on the floor and let all three of them crawl over him. It was moments like this were he felt some type of happiness flow through him. Being with these three balls of fur made him forget about some of his demons and daily problems. Animals were truly a joy to the world, and Andy would never understand how people wanted to treat them horribly._ _

__"Hi babies. Did you miss me while I was at rehearsal? Where you good tonight?" He asked them scratching Femme's head before scratching Daredevil's head. "Was relaxing and playing around the house fun? Daredevil stop trying to play tug a war with my jacket. You're either bitting at my hair or something."_ _

__Daredevil let out a small bark causing the singer to pick him up and let the dog lick his face making him laugh. He could tell that he missed him a lot today. "You missed today. I'm sorry I couldn't take you out for another walk today. I promise tomorrow we'll do that." He kissed the dogs head on last time earning a tiny yip before setting him down and picking up Crow this time._ _

__Between Daredevil and Femme, Crow was his baby. His first baby. He could remember when he first got the tiny tuxedo cat, how small he was. Now he was so big. Thankfully Andy was still able to hold him without hassle, and in truth Crow loved it. From the share of pets Andy had in his life, he never excepted Crow to love being held so much._ _

__"I didn't forget about you, baby. You're always my first." He said holding the cat close to his petting him. He felt the cat rubbed against him and leaning into his hand petting him. Continuing to pet him, he began to hear him pur. Crow's purs were music to Andy's ears. Hearing them made him smile, actually smile. He didn't know what it was about them, but they were special for sure. "Awe, do you like that? You're very loving tonight. I'm guessing you missed me a lot. Did you take a lot of cat naps today-Crow, don't try to bit my jacket. You and Daredevil I swear. Always bitting things. Going to have get more toys for you two."_ _

__Crow just kept purring away as Andy held him. Soon enough though, he shifted Crow's position so he was holding him against his shoulder, like a mother would do a child. Crow never was bothered by this position of being held. For him, it meant Andy could pet and scratch his backside more._ _

__"Hi honey."_ _

__Hearing Juliet's voice Andy snapped his attention up towards she stood in front of him and felt a tiny lump rise in his throat. Daredevil had heard Juliet's voice and went over, sniffing his way there as where Femme had now left the area and was somewhere in the house._ _

__"Hi ba..babe."_ _

__"I didn't hear you come in or text me you were home." Juliet said calmly though Andy knew it wasn't going to be calm. "How long have you been here? You said rehearsal was going to be until nine, it's near eleven._ _

__"We had a small meeting after packing up, talking a bit about the schedule for next week and the other band that's touring with us and William." He told her holding Crow a bit closer. Juliet knew William, after all they all worked together on Wretched and Divine and a few tours, yet she didn't know of this band he was touring with now. Andy didn't think she would look them up. "Then after we finished with everything, I left and went to Starbucks before coming home. I didn't realize it was that late."_ _

__Juliet hummed eyeing Andy. "Are you sure you didn't go anywhere else?"_ _

__"Jules, I really didn't go anywhere else I swear. You know how traffic is at night. It's the same as it is during any time of the day here."_ _

__"But even with traffic, you text me if you are going to be home late and text me when you are home. Seriously, how the fuck do I know that you weren't out somewhere or even went with someone else?" She said with a large sigh. "More importantly, how do I not know you went out and got something to drink beside a coffee."_ _

__Andy let out a silent sigh. She always had some sort of say with his former drinking and eating._ _

__"Juliet, I wouldn't do that. The most I do is drink a very small glass of wine, and even then I don't drink that much. Why don't you believe me that I went to get Starbucks and only Starbucks? I still have the receipt from the order if you want to see it. An..and you can look up the transactions on the credit card."_ _

__"Because how I can fully trust you even with the receipt and transactions? Tell me how?"_ _

__Andy looked down. Taking a deep breath, he softly spoke out, "Because you can. I never...I never would go behind your back and lie to you. Not like I can anyway."_ _

__His voice trailed off at the end, hoping she wouldn't hear what he said; yet he was wrong. Soon enough Juliet was in front of him, bending down to his level and grabbing the side of left side of his face with her hand and slowly pushing it to the side causing Andy to gasp and looked at her with wide eyes. He was thankful she didn't slap him, although his mind was thinking multiple ways this could go bad. And this was just the start._ _

__"What did you say?"_ _

__No reply came from him. His breathing was becoming elevated with each beat of his heart._ _

__Juliet sneered. "What. Did. You. Say, Andy?" She tightened her grip on his face, still forcing_ _

__"Please don't..I didn't say anything I swear...Juliet please.." He whimpered feeling her nails dig into his flesh, breaking it open. His squeezed his eyes shut and felt his eyes began to water. He didn't know if it was from fear rising up in him or from how tight his eyelids were squeezed shut. Andy didn't know, but they were coming from one those and he didn't like it._ _

__"Tell me what you said, or did you say anything at all?"_ _

__"Juliet please..I didn't..I swear.." He whimpered again hoping she would let go. He didn't know if he was bleeding or not from her nails breaking his skin open. Then again, he was in so much fear and panic right now to really notice. What he wanted right now was for this to be over and be able to go to his room and be alone._ _

__He heard a scoff above him and felt her hand and claw like nails leaving his face causing him to open his eyes. "Pathetic. Completely pathetic Andrew. You know, I honestly wanted to spend the night together, watch a movie, maybe catch up on a TV show, and have a great night together. Though now it's worth it anymore. At least we still have time before you leave next week to spend time together." She stood up and turned around walking away leaving Andy to sit there on the floor holding Crow tightly, trying not to cry. He was surprised Crow hadn't squirmed away, or he hadn't let him go from wanting to curl up. However, Crow would never leave his side during times when he was in a low moment or these types of situations. He was always around him in some way._ _

__"Oh, and honey," Andy looked up to her as she stood a few feet from him. "tomorrow we're having a talk. Good night." With that, Juliet left the area, leaving Andy on the floor breathing hard and trying to calm himself down._ _

__Once calming himself down, he stood up slowly without falling or dropping Crow and began to shakily make his way back to his room. The house was quiet beside his breathing and the faint of sound of the TV coming from Juliet's room as he passed it. He felt his breath hitch and looked down instantly at the floor as he made his way into his room and shut the door behind him, let Crow jump down to the floor before slowly walking over towards his bed and dropping his tour back pack on the floor next him and slowly begin to strip down his boxer briefs. He shrived when the cool air of his room touched his bare flesh instantly causing him to wrap his arms around himself to keep him warm and to cover himself up. He hated his body, it was disgusting._ _

__His flesh was very pale, translucent even. The once ocean eyes that shined bright, were fading to a dull color. His tattoos, some healing buries, scraps, and scars were the only color on him. If that wasn't enough to disgust him, he was slowly returning back to an unhealthy weight he hadn't been in years. Even though his mind was telling it wasn't good, at the time it was and probably not for the right reasons. Before Juliet and him got married, he was still slowly trying to get into the whole eat healthy and vegan, and finally at the weight he should be (and should have been since twenty-two) until that came crashing down three months before getting married. Even though Juliet had commented on his weight- and other things about him-multiple times throughout the years of being together, the comment she told him that day sent his mind haywire. He didn't think it would have that much of an effect on him, yet it did._ _

__Taking out one his sweaters that now engulfed his body he put it on and slowly walked over to the bed side table. Opening it up, he moved a few things around and found the small cosmetics bag that held a torn and a few new packs of cigarettes, lighters, diet pills, a razor he tried burned in frustration one day, and some bandages when he needed them. Andy had more in his bathroom hidden in another cosmetic bag though he would never tell anyone. Zipping the bag open, he pulled out the pack of torn cigarettes and a lighter. Shoving the bag back into the drawer of the table, he walked over towards his window, opening it and pulling out a cigarette with his teeth before placing it next to him while sitting himself on the ledge that was able to hold him. Lighting up the cigarette, he took a long drag of it and felt himself slowly being filled with some type of warmth and feeling. Even if it was only a temporary feel. After all, it seemed everything in his life was temporary now beside the pain._ _

__Rubbing his nose without managing to burn his face, he took a long drag before relaxing against the window frame. Everything that happened in the last hour was running through his mind. Andy didn't lie to Juliet, he had gone directly to Starbucks on the way and he knew she would be able to check the credit card transactions and see his receipt tomorrow. Why couldn't she believe him? Hell, Andy honestly couldn't remember the last time she did believe him when telling the truth. It made him wonder from time to time if he was telling her the truth._ _

__Blowing out smoke and realizing the cigarette was nearly down to the filter he slowly lifted up his sweater and closed his eyes as he put it against his thigh. He bit his lip to hold back a whimper as he felt the pain coming from his skin burning. This wasn't new to him, he told himself he should have been used to this pain - along with all the other pain- and still he wasn't. Once the pain became to turn numb, he lifted the cigarette from his skin and threw it out the window. He repeated this procession until the torn pack of cigs was gone from smoking and his thigh was a mess from putting them out on himself._ _

__Shakily standing up, he closed the window and made his way towards his bed. He didn't have it in him to head the bathroom and clean up his mess. He could do that in the early morning before giving Daredevil his walk. After all he's done it quiet a few times before._ _

__Laying down in his bed Andy curled up in the blankets. He finally felt the tears from earlier gathering in his eyes and he let them spill. His body shook as he cried, balling the blanket up in his fist. He was in hell, literal hell. A hell he created for himself years ago and a completely different type of hell now. He barely had anyone with him. Before he had his friends, and a few close people who would be there for him when was completely drowned in his demons, and help him when he would be black out drunk. Now he had no one._ _

__He was alone, and empty. His flame that he once had, his heart of fire, was burning out and he knew wouldn't survive much longer. Though maybe he didn't have to. Maybe he only had to survive through this tour, then let himself burn out, and finally be at peace._ _


	2. Chapter 2

Flying. Andy hated flying. He used to not hate it, yet after a certain incident and thoughts he had..well, he hated it. Plus, it probably didn't help that he was once again sleep deprived and in pain as usual. The last week between preparing for tour had been a world of hell. He had to fight himself not to completely destroy himself more than he already did, he nearly fainted multiple times during the week even when at the store shopping, spent more money on Juliet to make sure she was happy. As long as she was happy and got what she wanted before he left, he could be somewhat at peace within himself on tour; though he knew it would be temporary peace.

Mentally sighing he scratched at his thighs through his pants. His skin was itching from the wounds he gave himself three nights ago and he was hoping he didn't open any from this morning until now. Dealing with blood soaked pants was the least of his worries and sitting through a flight with open wounds was not something he wanted. Plus, it wouldn't be a good way to start off tour. At least he didn't break his ribs or nose this time, yet he was surprised they hadn't got broken again with how much he gets pushed around.

"You ready, Andy?"

Jolting slightly, Andy took out on earbud and looked over Beaux who stood next to him carrying his few carry on bags. Was he ready? Of course. He was completely ready for this tour and to be out of California for a few months, but right now he needed a cigarette. For both smoking and other reasons. His skin was itching to be destroyed, and he knew he would have to wait until they got to the bus or hotel to be able to do anything. At the hotel he was able to not worry about anyone finding out about him destroying himself in the ways he did, on the bus however that was a different story. He knew all too from few incidents involving being caught.

"Yeah. I am ready Beaux. Always ready for tour." He answered back with a forced smile before looking around. They were still waiting for everyone else, mainly the band they were touring with, Palaye Royale. During his free time, he had listened to their music and watched some small interviews. He learned that they did Warped Tour 2016, and had good music. Really good music. It made him excited to be on tour with a new band, and he was sure William and the rest would like them as much as he did.

"Do you know where Palaye Royale is?"

"Over there." Beaux said pointing in the direction causing Andy to turn around and see a group of three boys with some crew walking towards them with their bags, suitcases, and equipment. He recognized each one of them. Remington was on the far right, Emerson in the middle, and Sebastian was on the left. He wouldn't lie, they were good looking, especially Remington.

As the band came up to them, Andy begin to feel himself retreat within himself. A feeling in his stomach began to form and he felt himself try to hide his face with the long hair he didn't have anymore. He always told himself he would grow his hair out long again, except he knew Juliet would hate that.

With Remington, Emerson, Sebastian, and their crew now in front of Beaux and him, Andy tried to make himself break from the shell he was putting himself, yet all it was doing was making him sink further into it. If he could he would hide behind Beaux without making it weird. Though he knew that would fuel the small pool of anxiety inside him already. He hoped it didn't grow throughout today.

"Hi, I'm Beaux."

"I'm Emerson Barrett, and the tall one over there is Sebastian, and this is-"

"Remington Leith." Remington said cutting off the younger male who gave him a look and brought Andy to his attention. He looked up at the other singer giving a small smile to him before looking down again and playing with the hem of his sweater this time. This was not the first impression he wanted to make in front of them. He probably looked like some type of jackass right now acting like this.

"I'm guessing you must be Andrew Biersack, or is it Andrew Black?"

His gaze broke from him playing with the hem of his sweater when he heard Remington ask him that. A silent gasp escaped him and he slowly looked up catching Remington's gaze which instantly caused him to look down again. The other singer was..perfect. His black hair that was styled in a spiky way, his brown eyes shined, and his skin was beautiful. Perfect. Unlike him.

Unconsciously shifting back and forth on his feet, he looked up again at the other singer and said loud enough for all of them to hear; "It's Andrew Biersack...but I perfect Andy." He looked down again after, chewing his lip. He wished he put in his lip ring back in so he could chew on that. It kept him from making his lip bleed, and helped calm him down when he felt his anxiety coming on. It would definitely help him now in this situation.

Looking up for real this time Andy tried to straighten himself out and hold his composer. He took a small glance at Remington and noticed he was smiling at him. He didn't know why though. There was nothing about him to smile at, plus the other singer still barely knew him.

_He's probably just being nice to you, Andy. That's why he's smiling at you. He has no other reason to-_

His thoughts were stopped when he heard Beaux's ringtone going off and the drummer answering the phone. He watched him talking on the phone and nodding before hanging up and taking a big breath.

"That was Jon. He says that the rest of our crew is here with all our equipment and we can finally get checked in and to the gate before our flight." Beaux stated and stared at Palaye Royale with a large smile. "Do you all want you to walk with us to get checked in?"

"Sure, that would be great." Emerson spoke up this time in which the others nodded in response.

Watching all of them gather their stuff up and follow Beaux, Andy trailed behind them keeping up the pace. This was going to be a long flight for him, and hopefully not as long as a certain flight.

Getting onto the plane was pain free. They were able to get one easily and have everything in its place. Thankfully for him, he was able to get a seat by the window and that meant if he could he sleep against it if needed. Sitting himself down with what he needed to get him through the flight, he relaxed into his seat and stared forward thinking. Or trying to think positively as possible. He was going on the second half of his solo tour, he was going on tour with William, his solo band, and a new band that seemed to be great already. He was going to be meeting fans again, playing his songs quite personal in front of them, seeing them smile. It was going to be good tour, maybe he would find a way to relight his flame, maybe everything would become-

"Hey Andy."

A familiar voice he had just come to learn broke him out of his thoughts and caused him to look over. It was none other Remington, smiling at him and putting his carrying on bag in the top.

"Guess we're sitting next to each other." He laughed as he made sure the bag was secure before taking his seat next to him which caused him to shift in his seat and try to curl into himself. In truth Andy didn't know the idea why he was doing this, but he was. He had nothing to be afraid of the male, yet his anxiety was making him afraid.

"Hey, you alright?"

His question caused Andy to snap out of his small daze and take a small glance over at him before realizing what he was being asked.

"Sorry, I just..nothing." He said softly, just loud enough for the other to hear. With that, nothing was else was said and he saw out of the corner of his eye Remington take out of his phone and earbuds, only putting in one to hear the flight attendant speak over the intercom.

"Good morning, and welcome to.."

The flight attendant's voice faded in Andy's ears. He shifted in his seat and leaned back against his seat, closing his eyes. _This is going to be a long flight for sure._ He thought, knowing it would be true.

—

Two hours into the flight Andy was restless. He tried listening to music, taking a small nap, and even tried watching YouTube on the plane's wifi; yet none of it worked. He looked over every so often and noticed that Remington was still awake and reading a book. Frowning, he leaned against the window a bit and closed his eyes thinking. Thinking about one moment that was so great, he could never forget it.

_A laughed escaped his mouth as he stared at Ashley zipping up his hoodie to create the mask that on it. The bassist had bought on those hoodies along and decided to wear it on the flight home, much to Andy's dismay._

_"Take a selfie with me." Ashley told him getting out his phone causing Andy to raise an eyebrow._

_"No. You look like a kidnapper or someone who decided to go out on Halloween to scare kids." He said looking away. "Plus, I look horrible. My hair's a mess and I look horrible in general."_

_A groan escaped Ashley and he rolled his eyes, even though Andy couldn't see. There was one thing the bassist couldn't understand about the singer; why he thought he wasn't good looking. Ashley knew the boy had image issues, they all image issues, but Andy for some reason took it harder. The boy's high school experience was not the best, and the words he was told affected him still to do this. Sure, he could tell Andy just to forget it and leave it in the past; however, that wouldn't be the answer to the problems._

_"Just please take the selfie with me. You look fine. Sure your hair's a mess and you look like you got zero sleep." He paused when he earned a hard glare. "Yet you look fine to me. You always do."_

_Right after he said that, he swear saw a faint blush on the boys pales cheeks. "Even when I'm looking like this from not having to shower, have warpaint sweating off, and when I'm drunk or hungover and a total mess?"_

_The bassist chuckled underneath the hoodie. Even though he hated when the boy drank himself into a coma, Andy stilled looked fine, actually he looked beautiful. Sure the boy became a mess, yet there was something about Andy that no matter how he looked; he was still beautiful._

_"Yes, even when you are a total mess from being drunk or hungover." He said seeing Andy blushed again and bring his hand up to his face to hid. "Now, take this goddamn selfie with me so I can post it."_

_This time a laugh came from Andy and he agreed only for Ashley though. He might as well make the older male happy then have him keep asking him. Looking over towards where the phone, Andy began to crack a smile behind his hand that covered his face as he watched Ashley take the pictures._

"Ash.." The nickname rolled off his tongue with sadness. It seemed so long ago that him and Ashley were having fun, that he was treated like a Prince by Ashley, that he enjoyed himself and was happy. Now, he didn't know if he would get that back. If he would get Ashley back. His hopes for that were too high for that.

"Who's Ash?" Remington asked causing Andy to hesitantly look over to him. "If you don't mind me asking?"

That made him blink and shift in his seat. Should he tell him? Would he even care? They barely knew each other, and he was very sure that Remington would care.

Taking in a deep breath he gazed down at his lap and played with his hand. He didn't have his long hair anymore to play with it when he needed a distraction from his anxiety. Hell, Andy barely had any hair to run his hand through.

"He's an..He's an old friend, band mate, and someone I still love." He whispered that last part hoping Remington didn't hear him. Even though Juliet knew he was bi, unfornature to his dismay, he didn't know how Remington would react. There was always a possible chance of the word getting out, and if anyone on the plane knew and over heard him, then posted it and Juliet got wind of it...he might as well as end himself before tour even starts.

She told him that she didn't want anything of his past relationship with Ashley getting out. Not as if he would tell anyone. Ashley and him decided themselves to keep it between them until they both decided to speak about it. Plus, Andy wasn't sure if he wanted to come out yet. The backlash he would endure from half the people would be his middle and high school years all over again, and Juliet would probably never let him hear the end of it. She had called him various words over the years, especially in the last year, that made him wonder if coming out would be good. Of course, this was also after finding out about the thing he had with Ashley, even though she knew it for while as she told him afterwards.

"Oh." Remington said. "Is he your bassist? Ashley Purdy?"

Andy nodded.

"He seems like a good friend to have." Remington said as he watched Andy look down and pick at his pants. Sure he didn't know the boy that well, yet he could tell something was wrong. Leaning closer, but not to close, he could see small streaks going down his face. He knew something was wrong for sure.

Looking around to make sure no one could hear or even raise concern, he whispered to Andy, "Are you alright?"

Andy shook his head. He wasn't alright. He wasn't alright at all. He could feel full on tears coming out of his eyes. This was not a place he wanted to cry. He didn't need to be embarrassed again, or a video. Let alone, he didn't want to have Remington see him cry.

Bringing up his hand, he rubbed his face on his sleeves, hoping to stop the tears, but they just kept coming. He wouldn't be able to hide it. Sniffing quietly as possible, he brought his head up and rubbed his face, not caring if snot got on his sweater. A small hiccup escaped him as tears continue to streak down his face. He continued to brush away more tears and flinched when he felt a hand on his back. His eyes slowly glanced over to see a concerned Remington.

"Breath. You're alright." Remington told him gently rubbing circles into his back.

He nodded, slowly relaxing into the other singers touch knowing he wouldn't harm him. He wasn't going to yell at him or anything of that matter. He was actually being sincere. He was actually worried.

"Do you want to talk about somethings to keep your mind off what's ever bothering you?"

 _That doesn't sound..too bad._ "Sure."

Agreeing to talking to Remington was probably the best thing Andy had done for the rest of their flight. He felt more relaxed and didn't have any need to cry anymore during the flight. The other singer began to tell him about how Sebastian, Emerson, and him formed the band, and some stories from their childhood that made Andy laugh and crack a smile. Two facts that Andy learned from him was that him, Sebastian, and Emerson were all brothers and that Remington loved vampires and tended to call himself one. It had been the best conversation he had in forever with anyone. However, it didn't seem to last. By the time Remington began telling him another story about how his dog the flight attendant had come on the intercom again to tell them they were arriving at the airport.

Once they had finally landed and had got everything that belonged to them, checked, and then loaded onto the trailers and into their buses; or well a van for Palaye Royale, and they all began to make their way to the hotel. When seeing Palaye Royale have a van for tour it reminded Andy of how he started out with the guys. Traveling in an old van, then upgrading to a bus. It all seemed so long ago, when really it wasn't. He may be twenty-six, yet being eighteen-nineteen years old traveling around in a van wasn't that long ago for him and it always reminded him of how bands start.

It felt like hours until they got to the hotel near the venue. During the time, everyone was setting up their bunks and getting certain things situated even though they would have time between the first show. As much as Andy wanted a bunk, he was left with a back room all to himself. Something in the pit of his stomach told him this had Juliet's name all over it since she did tell him she would visit him even if the tour run was short. Andy rather have a bunk instead. It felt more at home with touring and reminded him off how much he spent with the guys, how much he and Ashley spent together...

Those thoughts completely left his mind when he realized the bus had arrived at the hotel. He could hear Beaux, Pat, Jon, and the rest outside getting their stuff for the night. The good thing, Andy kept a large duffle bag for hotel stays now. It was easier than dragging his suitcase or one of them, with him into the hotel. Plus, after the Black Mass Tour and first half of the Homecoming Tour, he learned that taking a large duffle bag inside was easier to hide what he needed. No one would look in it.

Gathering up what he needed, he headed out of the room and out of the bus with everyone into the hotel to check in. With the time difference only being three hours, it was still daylight out and he knew after everyone checked in and settled, they would go out, yet Andy didn't want too. Even though it would give him the opportunity to get to know Emerson and Sebastian better, a chance to hang out more with Remington, see Beaux take some pictures, and possibly go out to eat with everyone -- Andy didn't want too. Plus, the thought of food, thought of eating in front of people shook him to the core. His instinct would kick in and cause him the need to text Juliet about it as he done multiple times before. Sometimes if he didn't text her about what he was doing, he felt as she would find out; and that terrified him. After all, she found out a lot.

When they had gotten into the hotel lobby, he saw Palaye Royale with their manager and small crew getting checked in or getting their information settled out. If they were staying at a hotel on tour, they usually tried to make reservations beforehand since it was easier on their part. When they started doing larger tours, Andy, Ashley, Jinxx, CC, and Jake learned along with Jon that if they could do hotel reservations near the venue beforehand, it made them had easier check-ins and gave them time to settle. It worked best for them.

As Jon went up to the desk to get them all checked in, Andy stayed back with his bags and watched, getting lost in various thoughts. He wondered if Crow, Femme, and Daredevil were alright without him there. Even though Juliet took care of them, he worried. Were they being fed enough? Were they being given baths and taken to the vet if needed? Were they getting the love they needed? The thought of them not being cared for made feel him horrible. He would have to call Juliet later, not as if he had a choice either.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when Jon called for his attention and gave them their room keys. Beaux and Pat were sharing a room together, and the others, including himself were in single rooms. Mentally Andy sighed. He should be used to in a room alone, after all he was alone most of the time at home and the last time he shared a room on tour was with Juliet. Hell, the last time Andy shared a room with anyone else beside Juliet it was Ashley during the early years, a few times on The Church Of The Wild Ones tour, Warped Tour, and The Black Mass. Even though Ashley and him were having rough times, they were also great times; and Andy would do anything to have those times back.

Taking his key card that he would use for today only, and maybe early morning, he made his way over to the where elevators were only to spot Remington standing by them on his phone half paying attention to it. For some reason this made Andy feel anxious. Not because of Remington himself, it was just the fact he would have make a conversation again. Even though they talked on the plane after his small break down, he was now drained to talk again. All he wanted to do was curl up in his bed at home with Crow, Femme, and Daredevil and try to get through the day.

Moving past the other singer, Andy clicked the button on the elevator and waited for the doors to open. He was on the top floor and even though elevator rides in hotels never seem long, this one would seem like hours. When a ding was heard and the doors opened, Andy hurriedly made his way into the elevator with Remington behind him. He figured he heard the elevator and decided to get on, Andy didn't mind that, just as long as they didn't have a long conversation. Once Remington got in and the doors closed, Andy clicked on the button for the top floor. Remington didn't make a move or tell him what number, so Andy just assumed he would click the button to the floor he was on once he got off. However, that was not the case.

When they reached the top floor not even minutes, Andy stepped out of the elevator with Remington behind him. He began to head down the hallway, only to release that the other singer was heading the same way too. It seemed like they were going to be close together a lot on tour.

"Looks like we're on the same floor." Remington spoke up, breaking through the silence that had filled the space between them as they walked down the hallway.

Andy nodded with a light chuckle. "Yeah, I guess we are. Where's Sebastian and Emerson though?"

"They're on this floor, except I think they went back out to the van after we checked in." Remington said while taking the keycard to his room out of the small paper envelope with his teeth. "Probably going to get whatever else they needed out of the van, going to buy food for the road, or Sebastian is going to find a place to buy alcohol." He paused and halted, looking at Andy who slowed his walking, wondering if what he said was wrong. "It's alright if we drink, right?"

Stopping and turned his head towards the other singer, Andy gave him a blank expression. Sure he had made a small rule about no drinking or even any type of alcohol on tour, yet did he really care? He was sober, or at least he thought. Though, why should we stop them from having a good time?

Licking where his lip ring used to be, he opened his mouth, "Yeah, I mean it's fine with me. Just don't push a shot or anything like whiskey in my face. If you happen to get some wine though, I may drink some of that. It's the only type of alcohol I'll drink. It doesn't get me that drunk unless I drink the entire bottle."

A smile broke out on Remington's face. He was glad Andy was alright with them drinking, and that he would have some wine if they got any. Even though the taller male was sober, or trying his best to be from what he got out of it, he was alright with it. At least he knew that being on this tour would be good.

The two singers walked a bit more down the hall until they stopped at their rooms adjacent to each other. They stood there staring at each other, almost as if their entire conversation would stop and they would never speak to each other again. Glancing up at Andy, Remington's brown met blue eyes, which were filled with questions, confusion, and....sadness. Brushing it off his mind, he gave a light hearted smile before speaking, "So, I guess we'll see each other tomorrow at the venue? Or tonight at dinner?"

"Yeah, I guess we'll see each other then."

The two stared at each other for a few seconds before opening the doors to their rooms and going inside. For Andy though, he felt like he was going to fall on the floor, which happened once he had gotten into his room and closed the door behind him. He pressed his back against the wood and slide down it only to rest his head on his knees.

There was no way he just had an entire conversation with Remington, perfectly without messing up or feeling an watchful eye. Yes, he had a minor panic attack on the plane and awkward silence filled between them multiple times; yet never had he had a conversation like that in months. Not even between his band mates when working on the new Black Veil Brides album, or even with Beaux, and Pat. He always felt controlled of what he said to say, yet with Remington...with Remington it felt like Ashley or even CC, Jinxx, and Jake all over again. It made him feel good and happy.

Straightening himself out and standing up without falling over his tall self, he made his way further into the room and stared around. It was going to be another night alone in the dark for him, yet without pain and without the possibilities of bad dreams. After all, that's all he could hope for.


	3. Chapter 3

A cloud of smoke surround Andy as he sat on the back steps to the door of the venue. It was an hour after the second show of the tour and he was exhausted. The small bit of eyeliner he wore had been smeared from his eyes and down his face, his suspenders were down to his side and one his hoodies had been thrown over the plain black t-shirt he wore. Even though he was exhausted from multiple things and the cold February air nipped at his skin, he could still feel the high of being on stage. The high of being stage always lingered afterwards. Whether it be right after the show just ended or hours after it ended and he was laying down on the bus, the high of being up on stage, moving around, singing his heart out, hearing the crowd sing along, the lights -- all of it lingered. It was one of the good feelings he had left after all. 

Putting out the cigarette in the snow, he took out another one and lit up before taking out his phone and checking it. Multiple notifications from post about the show tonight, emails, unread texts from the group chat, and no texts from Juliet. He didn’t know why he expected her to text him, but a part of him did. She didn’t text him yesterday or even return his calls from yesterday too. He even left about ten voicemails hoping she would call him back after listening to all of them, or at least known of them; yet he got nothing. He checked earlier before the show to see his texts has been read, and so far they haven’t. It made a part him wonder if he was being to clingy or she just...No. He couldn’t think that. He couldn’t, even if it kept nagging him. 

_She’s probably just busy. She’ll reply or call me back soon._ He thought taking a large drag of the cig, checking, and clearing the rest of his notifications before clicking the button on his phone and placing it in his pocket. He knew he had to go back inside soon and make sure he had everything packed up before they headed to the bus and on the road to the next city. The last thing he needed was to make them all off schedule. Being off schedule is not good for tour by being late for bus call, and Andy didn’t want to cause that to happen again. 

Doing the same thing he did to the last one; he put the cig out in the snow and stood up, stretching, feeling his joints crack. He was surprised at this point he didn’t have any massive joint problems. With his height, weight, and the fact he was always hurt, it didn’t make sense to why he wouldn’t have joint problems. Then again, he didn’t need another problem on top of his others. Sighing, he opened the back door and walked inside the venue. They still had another hour before bus call and had to be on the road again, he figured he may as well pack up while he had time and take some time to write. Tonight felt like a good night, despite the small things eating at him, and he hoped these types of nights lasted until the end. 

 

Remington laughed as he watched his brother and Beaux try to balance drumsticks on their hands. The two drummers decided to try to see who could balance a drumstick the longest, even though both of them kept failing miserably. It was a hilarious sight to see. Ever since the day the begin the journey for tour, everyone hit off great, and in truth Remington and his brothers were glad they took this opportunity. 

Even though they were still a small band with a growing following, this opportunity so far has brought them more new fans they excepted. During the first show yesterday they knew many people wouldn’t know who they were, after all they were with William Control and Andy Biersack, both known artists, yet some how people in the crowd knew them and they knew them tonight as well. It was amazing how fast they knew them, and it made the three of them feel great. It made them realize that they would be known for both their music and fashion, and that they would have an awesome fanbase by the time this tour ends. 

Glancing around the venue around he saw out of the corner of his eyes, Andy, who quickly disappeared after the show. They saw him backstage for a good five minutes before he left. Everyone figure he needed time alone, and so they let him. They knew it wasn’t their place to intervene, and all knew that he probably needed time alone after the show. 

“Andy, do you want to come with us to a bar down the street? We’re going to get some drinks and food before we leave.” 

There was a slight pause for a minute, the only sound between the two singers were the others laughing in the background. Remington wouldn’t mind if Andy turned down his offer, it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it still would make him miss out on an opportunity to talk him more. They’ve only had brief conversations with each other since the flight together, and Remington still wanted to get to know him better before tour ended and went separate ways. 

“Sure. I’ll come.”

With that reply a large smile broke out on Remington’s face. “Great. Just grab your phone and wallet, we’ll come back here to make sure we have everything before we’re on the road again.”

 

The walk to the bar didn’t take them long. It was a local bar, many of what Andy and some of the guy's been in before, yet it was a step above of stopping at a truck stop or fast food place they usually do stops at one tour if they want quick food. The bar was empty beside a few people there watching some sports and a few staff members that seemed to be working the late shift until the bar closed. 

When they sat down at the bar and had their drink order taken, along with given a menu, Andy hesitantly grabbed it, flipping it open and scanning it. He knew he shouldn’t be here, or even eat any food on the menu, but in truth the exhaustion from the show and the small cramps he got from how long he restricted over the last day was getting to him and the temptation of ordering something really greasy and not healthy was really appealing to him right now. Plus, he knew that the glass of water he ordered wouldn’t hold him over throughout the night into the morning. 

“What are you getting?”

Looking up from his menu and over to Remington next to him, he “Probably the mozzarella sticks with french fries..it’s not the healthiest thing, but it’s the one thing that sounds good to me.” _It’s also the one food I know I can actually eat._ “What are you planning on getting?”

“Probably a cheeseburger with fries. Always go to food, especially in a bar.” Andy’s mouth almost water at what Remington said. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a burger of any type, beside a vegan burger one time that he barely ate. It was both disgusting and he couldn’t even eat it after three bites without wanting to throw up. And throwing up was something he absolutely hated doing. Especially after nearly ruining his throat. He couldn’t bring himself to do that again not matter what his thoughts told him.

After they all ordered their food and half of them had gotten refills on their drinks, Andy sat there slowly sipping on his water glancing every often over at everyone’s else drinks. A nagging part of him kept telling him to buy a drink, whiskey mixed with Coke; since the bar didn’t have Mountain Dew, and just drown it. But he knew he couldn’t. He promised himself he wouldn’t drink, or drink as much, and he knew Juliet would find out somehow if he did drink and he didn’t want to have to deal with her. 

“You okay there?” Remington asked, seeing Andy just sipping on his water. 

“Yeah, just thinking..”

“You want to have a small sip of my drink?” 

Opening his mouth, the straw fell out and Andy stumbled over his words, “No, um, I can’t...I..um..I can’t-”

A soft laugh from Remington cut him off with a shake of his head. “Just asking and sort of playing with you. Just from your look I thought you might needed a drink.” 

Andy stared at Remington with a blank look. The last time someone asked if he needed drink was when he was with the band when they out for dinner after one of their days in the studio. For Remington ask him if he wanted a drink, it made Andy feel as they’ve known each other for longer than they had. It also reminded Andy a bit of when he first meet Ashley; how the older male bought him a drink and the two talked for hours about the band and what they did. Although the day Ashley and him ever have a day like that again, sharing a drink, and talking, maybe having a moment together would only happen in a dream.

Soon enough their food came them all by one of the bartenders and waitress, who both when done handing them all their food went back to either refilling drinks or to watching whatever games were playing on the TV’s around the bar. 

While everyone began to eat, Andy sat there slowly picking at his food. The mozzarella sticks were loaded with grease and had bits of cheese coming out the sides of them. The french fries were the same, greasy as the mozzarella sticks and probably over loaded with salt. All of this made his mouth water, reminding him of the many bars and restaurants they went to during his first and early years of tour. Even reminding him of how when he was in his lowest points he would go to the nearest bar or restaurant that served mozzarella sticks or really any greasy or calorie loaded food and get it. 

_Is it worth eating this?_ He thought to himself. He was extremely hungry; being on stage was exhausting and the most he ate since the first day of tour yesterday was literally a smoothie and protein bar. Picking up a small amount of french fries and a mozzarella stick, he slowly bit off pieces of them, only to automatically shoved the rest in his mouth. He was right, it was worth eating this. His stomach was enjoying the food and so was he. It had been so long since he had anything like this, and he knew he would have to get another order before they left. 

Hearing a small chuckle next to him, he looked over to his side where Remington sat, with only half his food gone. 

“Guess you were pretty hungry. You weren’t kidding in interviews when you said you loved cheese. How did you survive on that? Let alone, stay as skinny as you have?”

Swallowing hard, he raised an eyebrow with a fake smile. “I’m just...I’m just lucky I guess.” 

He knew Remington probably meant well by that question, as did everyone who asked him a similar one; but it brought back thoughts he didn’t want. Before everything went downhill again he was finally at a stable weight, both for his age and height, still on the skinny side, but not where he was when he was in his teens and through the first three years of his twenties. While the band knew what he through and even his parents; no one else knew. Not even Juliet; yet she tended not to care. One thing he was grateful for was that his parents hadn’t found yet that he got back into old habits, especially his mom. 

After another round of them having drinks and Andy with glass of the water when finishing their food, they paid for everything, even tipping extra, and headed back to the venue. Bus call was pretty soon, and if they had anything still in the dressing rooms of the venue they had to get them out and onto their buses before they left. Once they all made sure it was cleared it out, they thanked the venue staff and headed outside carrying their belongings.

Letting his backpack hang off his one shoulder, and slinging his other bag over his shoulder, Andy walked out into the parking lot. They would now be on their way to the third city, third day of tour and then repeat the process until they had a day off. He knew he would need a day off soon, yet he would just have to push through the days until a day off happened. 

Hearing footsteps behind him, he turned his head to the side thinking it was someone else, but instead it was Remington, walking up to him. He slowed down a bit so he could catch to him. He wondered why the other singer was coming to talk to him or walk with him. After all, he wasn’t that much of an interesting person to talk to; and after the freak out on the plane, how he disappeared after today’s, even yesterday’s, show, and almost made a fool of himself tonight, he didn’t understand why he kept trying to talk to him. 

“Hey.” 

“Hi Remington.” 

“I know we haven’t talk that much yet since we started tour, but I was wondering if you want to hang out one day with Emerson, Sebastian, and I?” He asked as the two walked towards Andy’s tour bus. “It can be either before or after the show. Or whenever you want to hang out with us. We don’t mind.”

“Sure. I can see what I’m doing before the show and after, but that would be nice.”

“Really, great. I can just text you when we’re going to do something and if you want to come with us, just send me a text and we’ll go from there.”

Soon enough, the two were standing in front of the door to Andy’s tour bus, causing both singers looked at each other wondering where to go from here or what to say. 

“So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” He asked Andy who stared blankly at him for a few seconds before snapping back to reality. 

“Yeah, we’ll see each other tomorrow.” He said, beginning to step onto the bus, “Night Remington.” 

“Night Andy.” He said as he watched him walk further into the bus, leaving him alone outside the bus. Running a hand through his hair, he began to walk towards the other side of the parking lot where their small van was. He noticed Emerson standing in the middle of the parking lot, smoking, which made him realize he was watching their whole interaction. Talk about being a noisy little brother. He rolled his eyes at that thought as he got closer to him. 

“He’s a bit..I don’t know how to say it..distant? Strange?” Emerson asked his brother who stopped beside him. 

“I don’t think that...I think he’s a bit..not used to new people. He seems very anxious about a lot of things, and isolated almost.” 

Emerson shrugged, throwing his cigarette on the ground and stomping on it. “Either way, he sure is something. Come on, let’s get going. You know Sebastian will get on our asses if we’re late by a millisecond.” 

Remington laughed and smirked, walking over to their van. “Yeah, you’re right. He will.”

“Oh, I should have meant only my ass, since you don’t have one.”

“Emerson!” 

 

The night on the bus in the back room Andy laid there staring at the ceiling. The sound of the bus going smoothly down the road was slowly lulling him to sleep, yet one feeling kept him awake, and he didn’t like it. It was a feeling that was always in him, even at home, and it made him aware of everything around him, and just how alone he was. That was he was. Alone. 

He was alone. No Crow and Daredevil curled up sleeping next to him, no Femme coming in and out of the room every so often, no sounds of the outside LA area coming into his rooms at night; and no sounds of his TV on low volume to keep out the sounds of his wife in her room laughing over the phone. Hell, even on the bus there was no sounds he was used to. There was no laughing coming from CC, nor Ashley, no sounds of Jake doing his thing with videos, and no sounds of Jinxx working on music or FaceTiming his girlfriend. He didn’t even have Ashley checking in on him, wondering if he was doing alright, checking to make sure he was able to sleep even though half of the time he couldn’t, and even staying with him until he fell asleep. All he had was the backroom and himself. 

Checking his phone one last time, he placed it on the small table by the bed and pulled the blanket over his face. He desperately wished Crow and Daredevil were here with him, or he was in Ashley arms falling asleep, yet he knew those things wouldn’t happen for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I just want to apologize for the very long over due update! Life got out of hand and personal issues happened and my motivation for writing was all over the place, but now it's slowly coming back and I'm going to be working on a few of my stories and get those updated. Also, with this story we will have more Emerson, Remington, and Sebastian, especially more Remington and Andy, that will happen soon. I also want to thank everyone who has left comments on this story and my other stories, along with the kudos and views, it's great to know that you all read my stories. Again, I apologize for this long over due update and I thank you all for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone and happy new year! Even though 2017 was a total shitshow, I hope this year goes good for all us in someway. I haven't updated this story in a while on here. I've updated on my Wattpad, and it was last updated yesterday on Wattpad (if I never update on here just yet, go over to my Wattpad PrincipeHayden for the latest update if you want to read it). So, you will be getting, along with this chapter, two more chapters to this. So, it's a new years gift to you all! Hope you all enjoy this chapter and the next two I'll be posting!

_Fucking pathetic. Can't even stand up._

_You're such a slut._

_Don't you think you're a bit..chubby? You should lose some weight, babe. You know...for the wedding._

_Why can't you do anything right? Why are you always doing everything wrong?_

_Freak._

_Faggot._

Blue eyes snapped open and searched around the room to know where they were. His breathing was harsh, yet beginning to slow along with his heart beat. His eyes slowly began to focus on the darkness of the room, realizing it was the room in the back of the bus and not the familiarity of his room. He slowly began to even out his breathing before rolling over to look at his phone, once again filled with a ton of notifications of notifications from his Twitter, Instagram, emails, some texts, but none from Juliet. Rubbing his face he cleared out the notifications and looked at the time on his phone. It was only six forty and they probably wouldn't get to the next venue locations until around lunch time or earlier. Thinking about lunch and food made his stomach growl and made himself realize this would be about the time he would be getting up to feed the pets and get himself 'breakfast' before going on with his day. He knew that the others wouldn't be up yet, except for Jon who would began to manager their day to make sure everything would go in order as it should be.

Realizing he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep, at all, he sat up and stretched feeling his joints crack again before he reached over to the side of the bed and picked up his backpack, unzipping it and fishing through it. He had no idea what he had in here. He knew he bought a ton of snacks the other night when they stopped at a truck station, yet he couldn't remember what he brought. He did no that none of it was vegan; however, he didn't care. Grabbing onto of the items in his bag, he pulled out a big bag of Sour Patch Kids and set the backpack back down on the floor than opened up the bag of candy and shoved a handful of them in his mouth. Candy wasn't a thing he ate, well rarely ate. He loved chocolate and some candy, but not all of it. It was rare when he ate it, after all he had denied himself of so many types of food for so long and only until half a year ago had to deny himself of them again. His teenage years, early adulthood were both the worst and best years of his life, but the worst outweighed everything.

Public school, was not a pleasant journey before he came out to LA. From coming back from his small amount of time at an art school and then back to a public school transcended into total hell. The teasing and bullying he thought he would have escaped and not come back began as quick as he got back and didn't stop until he dropped out and moved to LA. Throughout the time he was at school, he was labeled as the freak, faggot, and chubby. He didn't weigh that much during that time, even though he was close to pushing 190 pounds and even though he did hockey for a while, it didn't help. After all his diet was shit, and eating a ton of candy, snack foods, foods loaded with high fats, and even starting to drink and smoke at a young didn't help. The only reason why he did it was to fill the empty, vast void he had in his heart to make him feel good about himself after the long, exhausting days of hell that was school. He had no social life outside of school beside a few people, and when he did get invited out was for a joke. He knew down it was bad that he was eating so much food for his age, yet the more he ate he felt good about himself until the teasing began the next day at school and the cycle repeated daily for him.

When he was fourteen, him expressing he wanted to become a rockstar and move out Los Angeles made a lot of things. Amy, his mother of course, supported him like always. She wanted him to do what he wanted to do and love, and would be there for him through it and whenever he needed him. Chris, his dad, was supportive, yet also warned him to be wary and that he needed to look the part. Andy was no where like the members of the Misfits, Guns N' Roses, KISS, beside the black hair, his make-up, piercings, and black studded clothing. The only thing he wasn't; the hot, sexy frontman and symbol that everyone would fall for. He was was far from that. If he wanted to do that, he would have to lose a ton of weight and do a near full overhaul on some of his looks. He knew losing the weight would be good and when he looked like the other, skinny, thin guys in his school, he would fit in and no one would treat him like a piece of shit, call him names, pushed him in the hallways. There would be none of that and he could finally have a normal school life and life in general.

Yet, he was so wrong. So, very wrong.

When he first started losing the weight, he started out doing some running, jogging, and some of exercises they would do in hockey practice. He also watched what he ate, cutting back a ton of the high calorie foods, and trying to put in more healthy foods even though it was a struggle. In a few months he dropped from 190 to about 172, losing a good 18 pounds, nearly 20; however, he was still chubby and not close to where he wanted to be. Or what he should be. The only problem was, and what his mother told him, he had yet to hit the growth spurt that leave him at a height of 6'1" at the time he would turn 19 and would then grow into weight for his tall body and frame. Although, Andy didn't want to wait. He didn't want to wait to hit that growth sprout or grow into his weight. He wanted to be like the other boys he saw in the high ways, the rockstars that lined his poster covered room, even some of girls he saw at school and on TV; he wanted to be skinny. He knew and over heard from conversations that some girls at school took diet pills, laxatives, and rarely ate to maintain their body shape. He had also heard on talking about some sites that were for what they did. It made him wonder if these people could do daily, and still look good twenty-four seven, then why couldn't he? He was sure it would work for him as it did for them. It didn't take him long before he had searched up these sites and then gone to the store and bought what he needed. If the pictures from those blogs showed the outcome, then he was sure it would for him. When he first took the pills, they didn't do anything, beside make him sick for an hour or more. Although, it was start of when the demons trapped inside his mind, came out to play.

By the time he was a month into taking the diet pills, he began to slowly restrict his eating until he was down to nearly 1,000 calories a day, and then down to 500 calories and would then smoke, drinking water, drinking tea, mainly green tea, just to keep himself full for the day. At times when he needed he would throw in little snacks here and there, mainly the foods he read that were healthy and known as "Okay foods," and indeed they were. From doing all of that, he dropped from 172 to 130, and everyone noticed and commented on it. The teachers, people at school, the people who treated him like he was nothing. Everything felt great. He was feeling better about himself and the progress he was making was showing and finally giving him what he wanted. While he was seeing the results, it kept getting worse and no matter how much he couldn't see it due to being blinded by his mind, his mom could and she knew she couldn't let keep doing what was he doing.

He could remember the day she stepped in. It was when he finally formed his first band, Biersack, and he planning on holding practice in the garage. He hadn't had anything that day or even the previous days and he could remember her stepping in and asking what he would want for lunch or what the two guys would want to eat when they came over. When she had asked him, he avoid that question full heartedly, only for Amy to break him down and get him to talk, to which he did. He remember how he slowly began to break down and confessed to starving himself, restricting food and everything in the full mental breakdown he had. Thankfully, he was glad his mother had carefully listened to him and then arranged to get him help with a doctor and someone to talk to about his problems. Through that he was able to slowly get back the weight he gained, which was still a thin healthy weight, but a bit heavier. The growth sprout he had hit when he was eighteen and nineteen had definitely made things better for him until he was 21 and the cycled started all over again and ended when he was 24 only to start up again. Or so he thought. He couldn't tell anymore. Then again, he didn't think it started again, he was doing it for a good reason and Juliet knew that. She told him after all.

Chewing on another handful of the sour, chewy candy he looked at the bag and realized that he was nearly halfway through it. It was one of those large bags after all, and he figured it would last him a good three weeks or the month of tour. Swallowing what was in his mouth he closed the plastic zipper on the bag and looked at the nutrition label on the bag. He never could remember the amount of calories, fat, and sugar in them. He always would check it before buying an item, a habit he had kept for so long that would never leave him. His scanned the label of it and he could feel himself slowly wanting to toss the bag to the floor.

_Serving Size 16 pieces....Servings Per Container about 21...Calories 150....Zero fat, Zero Portain, Salt 25 mg....Total Carbohydrate 37g...and sugars 26g....if I've ate about...half the bag at handfuls that's nearly...that's nearly...fuck. Maybe more than 1,000...1,500 calories? No..no, Andy, you can't. Stop thinking like this. You have to._

Licking his lips, he bent over the side of the bed and put the bag of candy back into his backpack to be hidden away from him for a while with all the other candy and sweets he had gotten. He looked around the room again and sighed. He hated that he got himself back into this position, yet he knew there was nothing he could do. He was conflicted, but some nagging part of him told it was good. It told him that it was good for him and no matter how much he wished he didn't want that voice in his head, he knew he deserved it and he knew that it was all for love. All of it.

Knowing he couldn't just keep himself in bed anymore than he could without wanting to fall back to sleep, he got of bed and began to get dressed in a nice simple outfit that he could easily throw on and look like he was at home in his natural state or going out. Slipping on a pair of skinny jeans, a band shirt of his own that wasn't destroyed, and one of his oversized crewneck sweaters. No matter where he was or what he was doing, he always tried to wear layers. He thought it could hide anything people wouldn't want to see and he also was always cold. Due to his past battles with anorexia, his body temperature was fucked up. He got cold easily, even at home in sunny LA.

Making sure everything was put away, he grabbed his phone off the charger and wallet before opening the bedroom door and slowly walking out to not wake anyone. Walking down the gally of bunks, he realized no one was awake yet or they were and just laying in the bunks before deciding to get up and moving.

Finally in the small kitchen area and lounge he once again quietly began to get what he needed for the morning. He got out his travel cup he always brought with him. It was his lucky cup. He had it for three years ever since he bought it while in London during their one tour. Every day he used it, it made his day better if he was feeling down. He never left anywhere without it, and on tour; it was one item he couldn't leave without.

With his back and vision turned from the bunk area, Andy didn't hear or see Beaux coming out of the area and right into the area where he was. There was no sounds of footsteps, so he didn't suspect a thing when accidently came up behind him and touched his back causing him to yelped and jump. He felt his body stiffen and heart rise again like it did this morning. Staying in the spot he was when he jumped he tried not to a move an inch. As his heartbeat against his ribcage, his breath turned harsh than shallow as it got back to normal.

While he still didn't dare to turn around he could feel Beaux's eyes staring at him. "Woah, Andy, are you alright?"

Swallowing the lump in his throat he nodded very slowly and opened his mouth only for the words to come out shakily, "Yeah. Yeah Beaux, I'm fine. Fine."

"Alright. You seemed...you jumped and yelped. Are you sure you're alright?"

Andy gave him another nod and flashed him a shaky smile. He saw Beaux give him a concerned expression before going about his normal daily morning routine.

Letting out a long shaky, he leaned against the counter of the kitchenette and closed his eyes. He couldn't believe he did that. He had never jumped like that in front of anyone beside Juliet. He didn't know what made him do that, but a part of him did. He hoped today would go smooth and he wouldn't have another episode like that again or the eating one he had today. He needed a good day today. He needed one for sure.

—

Emerson laughed as he watched his brother take selfies in the bathroom mirror of the venue. Every chance there was, Remington was always taking selfies. He didn't care where it was; if there was a mirror or bathroom he automatically decided it was a selfie session.

He watched as Remington did poses in the mirror. Trying to get what angle would be perfect for all the 100 plus selfies he would take.

"You and your selfies I swear."

"Did you notice Andy today?"

A low groan came from his younger brother. Ever since they started tour and Remington wanted to to get the know the other more; he was all he talked about it. He knew Emeron and Sebastian probably wanted him to shut up, but he didn't.

"What about him now, Rem?"

"Did see how he looked? He looked skittish. Like he was scared something would happen. I mean, he jumped when he heard that long bang when we got here." He said making faces before noticing something in his teeth and put his phone to get it out with his finger.

"Rem, he's probably tried. Do you know how long we're on the road? And then you have the fact that after the show he's probably like you and just wants to lay on the floor for hours on end and then me and Seb have to drag you and lift you off the floor to get you moving?"

"I lay on the floor because it's comfortable and I'm a tired little vampire."

Emerson snickered at that and went right up to next and leaned against him, only to elbow him in the side jokingly. He heard Remington gasp making him laugh a bit. "Yeah, such a tired little vampire. Let's take a quick selfie and then talk about what you wanted to do today. You mentioned," He paused when he said his brother's finger ready to take the selfie of them together and then continued on when he finished, "something this morning about going to a very close by Starbucks or something."

The singer nodded. "Yeah. I was thinking that when we get catering for lunch, and since I know we would have enough time before sound check and all that to go and get something. Either coffee or whatever. Figured it would be better to go out by ourselves and I thought it would be good for all us to hang out."

"All of us?" Emerson's eyebrow raised with that question? "You mean, you, me, and Sebastian, right?"

"Well.." He replied back trailing off and slowly beginning to walk out the bathroom and into the hallway causing his little brother to follow with a very confused expression.

"Remington, what do you mean by that?" He asked not getting anything out of him. "Remington, what do you mean by that?"

Turning around in the middle of the hallway hoping not to get in any one way if they were coming he gave Emerson the look for him to know. When he still noticed him confused he sighed and slouched before straightening himself out and saying slowly, "I want to see if Andy wants to come with us to get coffee or whatever. I want to..Emerson I want to get to know him and I want him to get know us. He's so distant and isolated and seeing him...after the conversation we had for the first of our flight to start tour I wanted to get to know him more."

Tilting his head to the side and giving his brother a soft expression, he let out a low sighed and shrugged. "Okay, fine. I don't mind if he comes, but we have to talk about your thing with him. At some point. It's starting to worry me and we've only been on tour for four days. Sebastian's even worried that you're talking in your sleep about him." He commented and began to walk again down the hallway to get to where he had set up his art space for the day. He heard Remington follow behind him.

"Since when am I talking in my sleep? Do I talk in my sleep?" He asked hearing Emerson hold in a laugh. "Emerson, tell me if I talk in my sleep. I need to know."

When lunchtime was coming around with the catering for the day, Remington had everything in order between his brothers. Sebastian was fine with Andy coming along with them, he didn't mind at all. He did agree with Remington, to a point, that the other singer was distant and isolated. He even made a point to remember the first night when he was hanging out with William, he saw Andy sitting in the room with them while they were drinking quiet and lost in thought. Even staring at the wall, blanky. However; he did also point to Remington that Andy could also be like that for multiple reason and that whatever he was thinking could be wrong. Yet, neither of them could prove anything they were thinking.

Right now, the two brothers were waiting for their younger one to get ready. While they were only walking about two blocks away, Emerson was taking his good old time getting ready and trying to find his small art book that he took with him at times. Whenever he could, he would try to find time to draw in small places like coffee places or bookstores. He noted one time that small places like those always held some magic to them and he could capture the moments on paper and even find inspiration for his art itself. Remington and Sebastian liked it and thought the inspiration he could from those places, as well as the various places they went while on tour, was amazing. His art was very different, yet memorizing, and whatever he made the two brothers would talk about for hours with him when he gave them small art shows.

Soon enough, more like fifteen minutes, Emerson came back bundled up to walk to Starbucks and with his small art book and art supplies he kept with it. "Alright, I'm ready. I got what I need. Now, are we ready to go or not?"

"No," Sebastian spoke up. "Remington is trying to text Andy, but isn't getting any response. I think he might be calling him now. I have no idea."

"Why didn't he go and ask him?"

Sebastian shrugged. "I don't know. Remington does what he wants and when he has a plan, he does it magically."

Slouching his shoulders, Emerson walked over to where Sebastian was and sat next to him. He looked over at Remington and saw him on the phone only to hang up right away when he realized he got no answer. He looked at with a raised eyebrow, "No answer?"

"No." He groaned, running a hand through his hair. His hands rested on his knees and he sat there thinking. He knew Andy could possibly be busy, but the last time he checked, he hadn't been doing much. Everyone had only saw him a few times throughout the day and the last time people saw him was when he had gone back to the bus to get something he forgot. "I think...I think I'm going to find him. If I can find Beaux or Pat or anyone, even Jon, he might be able to tell me where he could be."

"Okay. Just, if he doesn't want to come or you can't find him, then we can still go as we originally planned." Sebastian told him.

"Oh, please, who wouldn't want to agree to hang out with me?" He said with a smirk, and began to leave before his older brother could tell him any other remarks. He knew that Sebastian would try to tell him some sarcastic or real remark, yet he had no time for that. He was on his own small mission and he was determined to get it done.

As Remington was hunting him down, Andy was sitting in the dressing room fiddling with his phone and staring at the screen with his text messages on Juliet's. She still hadn't responded to any of his texts or calls, and only a few of them have been read from what he remembered two days ago. He had multiple thoughts going through his head about it and none of them where good. He could remember the last few times she did this, mainly the one in 2015 when they were on the second leg of The Black Mass tour. They had been into three weeks of the tour, and none of his texts or calls were returned until they were coming home for a two and half weeks before returning back on tour. She had called and texted him saying she was busy and couldn't return any of his messages, yet the problem was he knew she wasn't due to her Instagram, Twitter, and the fact he had gotten messages from their, well her friends, that she had been doing multiple things, yet mainly relaxing and hanging out with them between working on whatever music she was doing. It made Andy hurt that she had lied to him and when he brought it up, she subtly acted like she didn't hear and changed the subject quickly that when he tried to bring it up again she snapped at him, which made him drop the subject all together. She have never done that before to him, unless you count the few times when they first got together, though she apologized for them afterwards; however, none of them have been like that time.

Running a hand through his hair Andy leaned back in the chair he was sitting and slowly clicked on small info button on the top right of the screen to get the easy access to call her. He stared at it for a few minutes wondering if calling her would be a good idea. Next to his multiple texts, he had also called about three times a day, and of course without any answer back to him. Clicking on small phone icon to call her, he watched the call began to go throw and he brought the phone up to his ear to hear it.

As the phone started ringing and kept ringing, his doubts of her answered were becoming low and his fear was growing. His mind was racing and he didn't like. _Please answer. Please answer. Please answer._

When he heard a click, a smile broke out on his face and he felt relief, "Juliet hi-" Although, his smile fell when he realized it was just her voicemail.

""Hi, this is Juliet Simms, well now Juliet Simms Biersack, I'm not able to make it to the phone right now because I'm either in the studio, out with friends, or with my husband. I'll get back to you know when I can. Thank you." There was a brief pause as her voicemail changed to the normal tone. "At the tone, please leave a message after the beap."

Pulling himself together as best he could, he shakily began to talk, "Just me calling again. Haven't heard from you in a few days and just wanted to call to see-"

He was cut off by the automated tone of the phone, "Voice mailbox full."

Hearing that he slowly felt himself retract inwards on himself and lowered his phone to hang up to which he then placed it down on the table and stared down at lap blankly. He should have known she wouldn't answer, yet a part of him hoped. A part of him always hoped.

Looking over at his bag he usually brought in, he knew what was in there and the part of him that told him not to get the smaller bag was screaming yes. Standing up from the car he went over to and unzipped the bag to get it out. He didn't want to do this, he'd been holding back for a few days. He was scared of people finding out what he was doing to himself, scared of the fans possibly finding out, his crew and band mates, William, Remington, and even his parents -- all of them he was scared he was finding out. They would call him a hypocrite for what he was doing to himself; and he couldn't bare anything they would tell him. His parents would be disappointed, especially his mother and he didn't want to disappoint her or have her help him again, she's helped him get so much so many times that he knew her helping him this time would be to much and he didn't want to be a burden.

Grabbing the bag he went over to the door of the dressing room and closed it; hoping no one would notice it closed and not want to come in. Walking over to the couch he sat down on the floor and unzipped the bag to get out what he needed. Once he got that he placed the bag down next to him and made sure the bandages, small black wash cloth he had were readily placed when he needed them.

Placing the razor between his teeth, he began to slowly push his jeans down to his knees and then he folded the waistband of his boxer trunks down and slowly pushed them down just enough to see some clean skin, which he was lucky enough to any any left. His hips weren't maimed as much as his thighs were, only because he knew how easy it would be for people to spot the marks on his skin since his pants usually rested low and he didn't want anyone, fans, friends, family to see them. And, if they the cuts and burns were to open and bleed, he didn't know if they would visibly bleed through his clothing.

Taking a deep breath he let the razor hover above his skin, his mind racing to just jab it down in the skin, drag it across, rip it open so he can bleed and let his troubles go. He needed this. He had to. Closing his eyes, he lowered the raze just so it was resting on top of his skin, the coolness of it touching his cold skin made him shiver. Letting out a small whimper that would usually hold him back, he began to put pressure on the razor to his skin, it was light, but it was just enough to possibly break the skin. Just as he he felt the razor pushing into his skin, a knock on the dressing room door made his blue eyes snap out and his moments completely pause. _Who would need to see me at a time like this?_

He didn't answer to the knock. He waited for whoever was at the door to speak first.

"Andy? Are you in here?"

Fuck. It's Remington. "Yeah, I'm in here." He replied back, hoping his voice didn't crack.

"Can I come in?"

"Hold on just a minute." He stammered. "I'll be right there." Quickly standing up and pulling up his pants he put the razor and everything else he took out back in the bag and zipped it up, and then going over to where his bag was and putting it underneath his clothes. Straightening himself out to look presentable and not as if he was going to do something that would be horrible; he went to the door and opened it to be greeted by Remington.

"Hi."

"Hi. You okay, you a little stressed."

"No. I'm fine." He replied quickly. "Anyway, what's up?"

"I know asked you last night if you wanted to hang out with me and my brothers at some point, and I hate to ask you on such a short and quick notice, but Sebastian, Emerson, and I planned to go a local Starbucks just two blocks away today during lunch to get out a bit and I was wondering if you wanted to come along with us? I know it's short notice, but I was just wondering. You don't have come if you don't want to."

Standing in the doorway of the dressing room, Andy pondered for a few minutes. He could get of the venue and be able to get to know Remington, Emerson, and Sebastian more, and be able to skip lunch here and everyone asking why he's either eating too or too little. Plus, he would also be able to get himself a coffee or two, and maybe on of the cookies they had there. It wouldn't be bad, and he was sure it would be less calories than what he ate this morning. Or not.

"Yeah," He flat out said, "I'll come. Just take me a few minutes to get me phone and wallet, and all that and I'll be right out."

Remington smiled at him. "I'll wait right here. Just take your time because we still have a ton of it."

 

Andy didn't take long to get ready and when he was, it took the four of them only fifteen minutes to get to Starbucks. While they were walking, Andy stayed silent. He didn't know what to say and now that they were in Starbucks sitting in a table in the back, out of sight, he still didn't know what to say. His mind was racing looking at the Venti caramel frappucino he had gotten. His mind was calculating all the calories inside of it and he could remember all the times he had done this before and even during his wedding. He literally can remember being at his own wedding and calculating the numbers of the food and how bad he felt afterward. He knew it was an never ending cycle, and he hoped one day he could break it. Even if it meant doing something he wouldn't want to do to break it.

Slowly taking a sip of his coffee, he felt his taste buds melt underneath all the flavor of it. It felt so good that it made him forget about any of the bad thoughts he was having and what he was going to do himself before Remington came to ask him to come out with them; which in turn, was a good thing for him. He wasn't cooped up in the venue all day before soundcheck and the meet and greets.

"So, Andy," Sebastian said, causing the singer to raise his eyebrow in question, "I know we all meet a few times the past few days, but we haven't been properly, fully introduced since we were at the airport. So I'm these two, little fuckers, older brother Sebastian."

Andy laughed a bit. Emerson rolled his eyes and looked at Andy with a smile, "I'm the youngest little fucker, Emerson, and also the cutest brother."

Remington, who was sitting next to Andy, faked scoffed at him, causing Emerson to give him a fake glare. "And the person next to you, is our middle brother, Remington, who you probably know because how much he's talked to you."

Andy smiled, put his drink down laughing a bit still, "It's nice to meet you two again as well. I've always seen Remington and you, Sebastian, around the venue, but I don't see you Emerson."

"Oh, that's because if there's time before sound check and the show, I set up a place in the venue and draw a bit in there. It's nice and relaxing. And I do a ton of art pieces for the band and our shop. I brought my small drawing book with me. You can take a look if you want." He told him and pulling out the drawing book from his coat pocket and slide it across the table for Andy to see and look at it.

The singer took the book carefully and opened it, scanning the pages of artwork Emerson had made. From the first drawing he saw, he was amazed. His eyes traced every line that was drawn by either a pencil or pen. They were all so fine, delicate, and perfect, and on every page there was a drawing. These are..these are amazing. Wow. Looking up from the drawing book, his blue eyes glowed a bit as he gave Emerson a smile. "These drawings are amazing. I knew your music and fashion sense was amazing, all of you, but Emerson, your drawings are amazing." He told him, and went back to scanning the pages before getting to the end and handing it back over to Emerson who took it with a smile.

"Thank you. I do a lot. I've been doing this type of drawing for the past few years now. We do a whole newspaper with some drawings in it, what has been going on with the band and all that, plus I have this whole book with writing and some drawings in it. I do a lot of it. It's always amazing, and these two love to gush over it at times. Sometimes a bit too much."

The sound of a cup being set down made everyone look over to Sebastian who had his straight face expression filled with so much sarcasm. "A bit too much? What else are we supposed to, look at it and say, "Oh Emerson, this is so good," and then walk away?"

"No. I'm just saying you two should at least calm down a bit on it and not hover each piece so closely."

Smiling at the two brothers jokingly bickering back and forth, Andy felt a light nudge to his side and glanced over to see Remington next to him telling to lean in. When he leaned closer he heard Remington whisper, "They do this way too many times. One time, our mom couldn't take them joking back and forth like this that she tries to ground us or seperate them, or jokes that she's going to ground Emerson from seeing his girlfriend."

Andy laughed quietly at that and tried not to choke on his coffee. "Really?" Remington nodded. "Oh my God, your mom sounds amazing, and would be best friends with my mom. Is she where you all get the sass?"

"You know, I honestly don't know. We're just all full of sass, fashion, and art."

This time, Andy let out a muffled laugh and tried not to spit out the coffee across the table. This caused the two brothers who were jokingly bickering back and forth to look at the two singers and wonder what they were talking about. They both gave them a look that only caused Andy to break out laughing more and for Remington to start laughing. Sebastian and Emerson rolled their eyes as the two singers kept laughing and went back to finishing their coffee or in Emerson's case, beginning to open his drawing book to draw a bit before they left. They didn't understand why both of them were laughing, and whatever they were laughing about had to do with them; however, Sebastian and Emerson didn't seem to care what they were laughing about, all the new was they were and it wasn't their problem.

The group spent another hour at Starbucks, talking about random things such as some tour stories and hilarious incidents they all had. During the whole time Andy had felt as if he really warmed up to them and that they had warmed up to him. He had been worried since tour started, even before tour, that they wouldn't want to interact with him or that they would want to have this tour be over right away from meeting him. He was glad they didn't act like that. He felt like he actually had a chance to make friends with them and not feel as if by being by them or with them for anything he would be invading their space and feeling unwanted. It made feel really good.

As the group walked back to the venue in the cold weather, Remington and Andy stayed behind the other two brothers when walking back. There weren't talking that much, only because they had ordered two coffees to go so they could drink something on the way back. When Andy brought up the fact he was going to order a coffee to go, Remington decided to get one as well.

Holding the cup to warm up his hands, due him not bringing gloves, Remington glanced to his left to see Andy walking with his head down and with a solemn look on his face. It made him wonder what was going on. "Hey." He said, gaining a quick glance of blue eyes that held so much in them. "You alright? You look kind of down."

Andy shook his head. "I'm fine, don't worry. I just have a ton of thoughts running through my head, I always do. They were completely worse earlier before you asked to come along, and then when we all got coffee and talked, it all went away and now that we're going back I just...they're sort of coming back. I really appreciate you asking me to come."

"Ah," He started waving his hand in a joking manner, "it was nothing. I figured it would be nice and it would be nice to get out of the venue before sound check and having all the fans around. And, not to be rude or anything, but you looked liked you needed to get out."

That made Andy think a bit. He did need to get out. "Yeah, honestly you're right. I needed to get out."

"It's also nice to get out, especially when we can get nice, warm, expensive coffee that taste horrible majority of the time." He said with a smirk as he sipped on the coffee only to make a disgruntled expression as he swallow it and looked at Andy as he said through his teeth, "It's so good. I love it."

Laughing again for the millionth time today, Andy smiled and took a drink from his coffee due it keeping him warm. _He's not like I thought he was. Neither is Emerson or Sebastian. They're all..they're all really nice, and so talented. Plus, they didn't seem to being forcing themselves to hang out with me._

—

"Thank you for coming out tonight! I hope you all enjoyed tonight. Goodnight!" He said into the mic smiling as all the fans screamed as he waved and walked off stage sweating and exhausted, yet happy. The show had gone well once again, they always have. Walking off he saw William, Emerson, Sebastian, and Remington standing side stage. They had obviously been watching his set like he watched theirs and were all talking before he came over. It was great to see all of them getting along. Since he got along with the three brothers, seeing them getting along.

Taking the towel from where he left he wiped off all the sweat that was covering him. It always got so hot on stage due to the lights, him moving around, and everything. It made him sweat so much, even though the set was very minimal unlike the Black Veil Brides sets, which he sometimes preferred more due to being with his friends and the fact he could do more on the stage.

"You did great out there Andy."

"You're sets are really good, plus like every Black Veil Brides show, the sets may be the same, yet they always go different every night." William said at him causing Andy to smile back at him. They've toured so many times together and each time it's been amazing. And being best friends made it even better on tour.

"Thank you." He replied back running a hand through his hair. "You're sets were amazing too. And, how do you two not freak out when Remington climbs up on things?" He asked Emerson and Sebastian who looked at each other wondering how to word it, then at their brother and back to Andy.

"Well, we look at him as if he's trying to literally be a bat and then we hope he doesn't fall and hurt himself." Sebastian stated earning a small glare from Remington who then rolled his eyes.

"Oh please, I am a bat, a vampire. A vampire bat. That's why I can climb up on the scaffolding and have such a tight grip."

All four of them laughed and snickered at what the other singer said; yet while he was laughing, Andy found it cute. He thought it was cute how Remington called himself a vampire, and honestly he could see it. It fit him.

"Oh, Andy," William spoke up causing the blue eyed singer to look at him. "I'm throwing a mini party before we head out on the road and I was just wondering-"

William was instantly cut off when Jon, Andy's tour manager came up to the group with his phone in hand ringing. "Sorry to interupt your talking, but Andy, Juliet's calling and she's been calling for the past twenty minutes before the show ended."

Taking his phone from Jon, he thanked him and then sheepishly smiled at William, Sebastian, Emerson, and Remington. "Sorry guys, I'll be right back. I just got to take this."

All of them it was fine and let Andy go do his thing. Walking away from the group and getting to an area where not many people would be for him to talk, he accepted the call and smiled. He was finally going to talk to her.

"Juliet, h-"

"Why did you call me so much? And text me? Like everyday?"

His smile disappeared instantly at all. He was completely taken back that. That's not what he was expecting when accepting the call. "Honey I...I..I just..I just missed you and you told me to text or call you daily if possible and you never returned any so, I thought I would leave you some messages and tex-"

Juliet huffed. "Whatever. Don't do that again. No one could leave voicemails and having to go through all those voicemails was tedious. And annoying."

Fully knowing he wasn't supposed to hear the last part, he blinked away the growing feeling in his stomach and prayed his voice wouldn't crack. "I'm sorry for doing that and filling up your voicemail box. I won't do it again I promise, hun. I won't do that."

"Good. You better not do it."

There was a silence between them for a good six minutes before he spoke up.

"How's everything at home? Are you doing alright? How are the pets?" He asked, changing the subject. He knew she shouldn't really the subject of him messaging him multiple. She never dropped any subject until they were dealt with and she was content with them, or if she was right. He learned that well enough after a while.

"I've been fine and the pets are fine, Crow practically stays in your room and when I try to pet him or anything he shoos away from me. Daredevil does the same almost, and doesn't like how I take him for walks. I think you spoil them way to much."

_Crow was never found of you since two years ago, and as for Daredevil you barely take him for walks and he doesn't really like you._ He thought to himself. When they got Daredevil and was still living in Andy's apartment before moving into their new and bigger one; they used to take turns taking Daredevil out for a walk, sometimes they'd go out together and walk, yet after a while and a few incidents between him and Juliet, Daredevil became resilient to her. He'd bark or try get in between them whenever Juliet would try to raise a hand or yell at him.

"I'm sure he likes you taking him for walks. He might not just be used to you taking him for walks or you may not be going on the route he's used to."

Right after he said that, he braced himself for any backlash he might get from her. Surprisingly though after a second all he got a small huff and no comment on it. _Thank God, wherever and whoever you are._

"Anyway, I don't mean to cut this short, but I got to go. I'll call you later babe." She said in the voice that he tried to ignore. He thought he became immune to many of her fake voices, yet he didn't.

"It's was great to talk to you, babe. Call me when you can. I promise to not call so much. Oh! I miss you and-" The line cut dead before he could even finish. "I love you.." He whispered and slowly put down his phone and held it in his hand carefully to not drop it. _I didn't even...I didn't get the chance to say I love you..._

He could never remember the last time they fully told each they loved each other. Their wedding maybe, but even then it didn't seem like that. Even at home, he couldn't remember the last they fully, and full heartedly told each other how much they loved each other, how they kissed all lovingly, how they sat each other, how they didn't...

Shaking his head he took the towel that he had around his neck still and wiped his face incase any tears decided to come out. Instead of walking back to where William, Sebastian, Emerson, and Remington where, he decided to walk back to the dressing to get all he needed packed up so he can go back on the bus and just sleep. He could text William or any one of them and just tell them he was going to back to the bus to lay down and sleep, they would all understand. After all, it wouldn't be the first and last time he used that excuse to get out of mini party's or whatever after a show.


	5. Chapter 5

"First week of tour is done!" Remington yelled, causing Sebastian to sigh and look at his brother who was randomly changing into a new pair of pants in the middle of the dressing room. There was really no reason why he was, beside the fact he spilled water all over them when trying to open the battle after coming off stage and took off his pants for the remainder of the show. He stood side stage the whole time wearing a shirt and underwear. Yet, the brothers were used to it since Remington had done this before.

"Yes, and we finally get two and a half days off and spend it in a nice hotel relaxing." He stated only seeing Remington give him a questioning look as he finished pulling on his pants and buttoning them up.

"However before we relax we get to go to William's mini "End of the week of tour" party he's throwing on his bus."

"We're going to that?" He asked him. "I thought alcohol wasn't allowed on this tour?"

"It's not, but Andy said he doesn't mind if we drink a little bit. He told William that throwing his mini party was fine and he told me before the first show that if we have a bit of alcohol it would be fine."

Sebastian stared his brother with his mouth open and then closed it. For the past week he could have been able to drink whiskey and not have to worry. Then again, he did remember Remington telling something about being able to drink when they first started; however, even though it's been a week; it felt like a month ago, and they still three weeks and another month before this tour was over.

"If we are going to this party," he began leaning back onto the couch, "when does it start?"

"I think he said once we get everything packed up and out of the venue. We're not leaving until about 12-12:30 from what the schedule says." He replied back while packing up his stuff. "Though I'll have to ask Em, for some reason he has more information about it."

He stood there in silence for a few moments thinking and looked at his older brother. "Why do you either you or Em know everything and I don't know for some reason?"

"Because we pay attention and don't stand there thinking about Nutella."

A fake gasped came from Remington and he put his hand over his heart, giving the most fakest, hurt expression he could towards him. I've never felt more wounded in my life. "At least I know the Nutella cares about me. So hurtful Seb. I'm going to tell mom and Em."

Sebastian rolled his eyes and scoffed. "Oh shut up and finish packing. You always take so long to. I thought Em was the worst for taking so long to pack, since he took hours for tour, but you take so long."

Glaring at his older brother, he jokingly threw a water bottle at Seb who easily caught it and gave him a glare back that turned into a smirk. "Finish packing up so we can make sure we have everything out of the venue and packed. Plus, I'm sure Emerson is either working on a small drawing while we sit here and is probably going to scold us in someway when we get to see him." 

Rolling his eyes at his brother, Remington continued packing up all his stuff and making sure he had everything. He was ready for the mini party tonight, he probably wouldn't get drunk or try to drink an entire bottle of whiskey like Seb, but at least it would be fun and hopefully if he did get drunk, he wouldn't be too drunk and say something that may have his brothers question.

—

Typing away on his laptop, Andy sat on the bed in a state of relaxation. He was finally updating his secretive blog after a few weeks, catching up on his journal, and even catching up on a few shows on Netflix. It was super relaxing, it sometimes he reminded him of nights at home where he sit in the living room or his bedroom with Crow and Daredevil, sometimes Femme if she wasn't doing her thing, work, write, watch Netflix with them around him; and sip on some wine at times. They would tend to crawl around him at times and Crow would try to lay on his keyboard like he used to do when he was small, and then Daredevil would follow suit. They never bothered him, yet it did make him working on anything last a bit longer. It was even worse if he was in his office, since Crow would lay directly on his hand and on top of the mouse.

"And so first week of tour is finished. It has been stressful, exciting, and most of wonderful. I still miss my bandmates, as always, but tour is still going wonderful." He spoke as he typed. "I'm excited for the two days off we have before going back on the road. We all deserved them and I know after William's mini party tonight it'll be well nee-"

Hearing a knock on the door he stopped typing and looked up to see Beaux standing in the doorway. The drummer stood there with a blank expression before coming into the room further. He was still dressed in the clothes he wore on stage, unlike Andy who changed directly into a pair of sweats and a long sleeved shirt when he came back to the bus.

"I know it's probably not the right thing to ask you, but William's throwing a mini party for the end of the first week of tour and was wondering if you want to come?" Beaux asked. "I know you don't drink or any of that anymore, but I was just wondering if you wanted to come and hang out."

_A mini party? Drinking? A party..hanging out at a party...a party..._ "As much I appreciate your offer and for reminding me about the mini party.." he started, "I just don't think I can or even should go. It just wouldn't be good for me and I don't ruin it with me sitting there doing nothing or hiding somewhere on Wiliam's bus."

"Oh, Beaux, before you go, can you get me those Horizon snack crackers that I have?"

"Why can't you get them?"

"Because I'm in such a comfortable position that if I move I might never get this comfortable again and because my one leg is feeling pretty numb from how long I've been in this position." He said all while smiling and giving his best puppy dog face. He saw Beaux's roll and a sigh leave him meaning it worked.

"Fine," the drummer stated causing Andy to smile largely. "But, this is all I'm getting from you before I leave." He said walking away and muttering under his breath of something along the lines "You're lucky I like you."

"I love you too!" He jokingly shouted back, yet he meant it with good intentions. Him and Beaux had a special connection like he had with Ashley and CC. There was something about Beaux that made Andy's heart flutter, yet feel safe, but he knew it wouldn't involve into something more like it did with Ashley.

He waited until Beaux came back with the snack crackers and said goodbye to him and got back to writing. For some reason he had been hungry and eating a lot; he knew it was from the other morning when he ate that candy, and the night he went to the bar and ate. He knew it was from that. Opening the box and taking a handful of the crackers he shoved them into his mouth and got back to writing. Writing and eating the snack crackers was better than going to the party; after all he didn't want to ruin it by just sitting there or hiding in a random bunk. No, that wouldn't be fun for him or anyone, and those days were behind him anyway.

_Alright Andy, let's get to writing and get this blog post up. You can have fun without partying. After all, it's not as if you've done it multiple times before. He told himself as he started typing away on a new post for his blog. Plus, you can get amount of sleep before we get to the hotel later on tonight._

Shifting into a comfortable position Andy focused on his writing and slowly eating the snack crackers, only to casually glance at his phone every so often when he got a notification from party. He would check them later or in the morning, but for now, he would write and relax.

—

The day after they were finally having their first days off. It was very snowy where they were at, yet staying in a nice, warm hotel for two and half days was a great relaxation. The hotel had a pool, a small gym, and was in a location near a mall, smaller shopping center, and just twenty minutes from the downtown area. However, as much as it was a relaxing days off for everyone else, and for nursing any hangovers they had the night before at the mini "End of first week of tour" party. It was easy to get hangovers on tour, and usually staying at hotels helped it since they could sleep in all day, relax, and have a good break. However, even though he wasn't hung over or any of it, the day already wasn't going well for Andy.

He had been trying on his different pants for about half an hour and all of them felt tight. And not the good of tight. His tight fit skinny jeans dug into his waist, and his normal skinny jeans gave a small squeeze against him. Even his high waisted jeans, a pair of jeans he thought made him look good and brought out his curves, did the same as his tight fit skinny jeans; digging into his waist, even hips. Obviously these weren't all his pants, after all a lot where still in his other suitcase he kept on the bus; yet the fact they weren't fitting was making him fear the worst and making him want to cry.

"Come on...come on. Please button up." He whispered to himself as he stood in front of the long mirror mounted on the hotel room wall. His stomach was sucked in as much he could and still the jeans were a struggle to button up. These where his last pair he hadn't tried on and he knew this was a dead end. "Please button up and don't be tight. Button up, please. Please button up."

The moment he thought he could button them up coming to a crashing halt when he realized he still couldn't. He still couldn't button it up. The jeans wouldn't button up. They wouldn't. All of these jeans were his smallest pair. All of them and none of them fit. Not even his one pair of size 00 he brought, and that pair always fit him. They were always a backup pair in certain situations and now..they just didn't fit.

Growling he shrugged off the jeans and threw them onto the bed and glared at the mirror and his reflection only from his anger to melt into sadness. He looked horrible. He knew for the past week he ruined his eating habits, hadn't been keeping up with his eating journal or even the secret blog he kept, wasn't even paying attention to if he was eating healthy or not as well. Then again, a part of him didn't care if he was eating healthy or not...or not eating at all.

Ripping his gaze from the mirror he went back to his suitcase on the floor and pulled out a pair of his old Spandex pants that he found while going through his closet to pack. He knew they fit, they stretched and never seemed to fail when he needed them.

Pulling those on they felt more comfortable, slightly tight, but not too tight on him. Hanging his head down low, he went to go finish up getting ready. He was already heading out to the mall just to get out some and not have to be stuck in the hotel all day doing nothing; yet now he would have to go shopping as well.

Taking only twenty minutes to get ready and after throwing on a hoodie and his leather jacket, he grabbed his phone and wallet, making sure he had the card key for his room, and walked out of the room heading for the elevator. Unfortunately for Andy, he was on a different floor from everyone else, and with the time being nine and it still being breakfast he knew everyone would probably be eating the free breakfast downstairs. He could probably get a coffee so he could drink it while waiting for the Uber. Though, if they green tea bags and hot water, that would be better.

Arriving on the first floor he walked out of the elevator with his eyes casted down and got halfway down the hall before running into someone and hearing the sound of a cup dropping to the floor and a voice of someone he recognized. He looked up and couldn't believe who he ran into. Remington.

"Oh my God Remington. I'm," he stopped, gasping still seeing Remington standing in front of him, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean too. I wasn't looking and I totally should have and it's all my fault. Your clothes are probably ruined and I probably ruined your phone or something. God, your clothes are ruined and stained. I can get you new ones though." He stammered on, slightly shaking and looking down. "I'm so sorry Remington. It's all my fault. I should looked where I was going and not be thinking to much. I'm sorry."

"Woah, woah, woah, Andy. Calm down." Remington said, reaching a hand out to the male who was now looking down and muttering "I'm sorry." This was something he never saw before and honestly it made him concerned for the singer. "Andy, hey, it's alright. I'm fine. No harm and I have to wash my clothes anyway because I've been wearing this same outfit as pj's for a few days."

When he got no reply after his laugh at the end, he looked at Andy again who was still muttering "I'm sorry," over and over again underneath his breath and and seemingly to be shaking. Lightly putting his hand on his shoulder he felt him flinch and look up to him, only with glints of fear racing through his blue eyes. _Is he..is he okay?_ He thought to himself while thinking of what to say to get him to calm down. "Andy, I'm fine. Calm down. I'm not hurt or mad. I have to wash these clothes along my others anyway."

Looking back at Remington, he spoke up softly, "You aren't mad at me for making you spill your coffee?"

"Nope. Not at all. I can get another one anyway. Breakfast goes until about ten thirty so I got time." He replied back and noticed how Andy was dressed to go outside. _I wonder where he's going. I don't know if there's anywhere around here to go._ "Quick question, where you going out?"

The blue eyed singer nodded. "Yeah, I'm going to mall. I was going anyway just to get out and not be cooped up all day in the hotel room, but now I have to go and buy some..buy some new..new jeans."

"Do you mind if I go with you just to get out?" Remington asked. "It's either stay here with my brothers and crew all day and do God knows what or sleep."

"Yeah, sure I don't mind. I still have to get a Uber if I can get one around here or a taxi if they have them." Andy told him. He didn't really mind Remington tagging along, it's the least he can do for spilling his coffee.

"Great. I'll go up to my room, change super quick and get ready." He said to him and bent down to pick up the coffee cup off the floor, but before he went up to his room he went over to the front desk to tell them about a spill and then passed Andy once again to get to the elavators. Hearing the ding and the doors opened, he walked into it and smiled at Andy before it took up to his floor.

Looking down and stuffing his hands in the pocket of his hoodie he went to where breakfast was at and found the hot water and tea bags. Once he did sat down at one of the tables in the corner by himself and began to try to find a Uber or taxi in the area while waiting for Remington to come back downstairs. Aftering finding a Uber in the city he put in all the information and waited until he got the email verifying they would be on there way. After that he sat there scrolling through his phone and sipping on his tea while waiting.

_Hopefully going out and going to the mall with Remington will go well._

—

"Are you ever scared to come to malls in fear of being recognized?" Remington asked as they walked into the mall. From the time Remington got done getting dressed and Andy drank the tea he made, it took them a good thirty minutes to get here due to the weather; however, it was all good. The mall wasn't that busy, yet there enough people for the place to be pretty full. Then again with being winter and possibly the local schools in the area having a snow day, and it still being the morning, not many people were yet except for mall walkers, a few people shopping, and the workers.

"No. If I get recognized, I get recognized. Most of the time it's because of my tall height or because fans who know me recognize me. Though, the most times I get recognized is when Ashley, CC, Jinxx, Jake, and I are together in a group together or it's two or three of us together." He said as they walked down the corridor looking at the stores and trying to find them. "Do you and your brothers ever get recognized?"

"Not really." He said while shrugging. "We're still not well known, however, I know if someone did recognize us it would either be from our voice or the way we dress. Which I'm surprised no one has recognized us yet since everytime we go to HotTopic to find our merch we always say our names loudly and try to see if people notice us," he laughed, "but it doesn't always work. One day it will though."

Andy laughed at that. He could remember that part of being a new and underground band and having a hard time being recognized in places. However, he knew that Remington and his brothers would get recognized in no time and everyone would love them, which they should.

"So, what stores are we going to?"

"Hollister and then HotTopic if they have one. I usually buy all my jeans at Hollister since their jeans fit me, mostly the girls ones. Then HotTopic because I want to see what shirts they have and get a new belt, and a new lip piercing."

"Wait," Remington spoke up as the neared Hollister, "I thought you took out the lip ring because you grew out or just didn't want it in anymore."

"Kind of." He stated walking into the store with the singer and saying hi to the cashiers before going over to the jeans and looking at them. "I took it out for that reason and because Juliet didn't like it after while and how whenever we kissed it would bug her. Yet, I miss it. It was a part of me, and it still is in some way."

"I can understand that. It's like losing a part of you." Remington said watching Andy search through the jeans and picking out a few black pairs of jeans and making sure they had real front pockets. "Find the jeans you need?"

Andy hummed. "Just need to try these on, shouldn't take long."

"Alright," he said back, "I'll be here looking around."

Smiling at him and letting the cashier now he had jeans to try on, he got a changing room and slowly began to try the pairs of jeans on. He had gotten four different sizes, a size one, two, three, and four. The size three and four he hoped and prayed he didn't have to try on. He had worn those sizes in years and he didn't want to wear them now. If he moved up more sizes than a size one or a size two; although wearing a size two might send him further into the dark pits of his mind, he'd probably have a anxiety attack right here and now.

Taking the size one pair, he closed his eyes and slowly pulled them up and felt an instant relief when they fit. They fit. _They fit. They fit!_ He smiled as he looked at himself in the mirror. The fit him. He only moved one size up, which still sent some fear to him; however, he got them without having to suck in his stomach or have struggle buttoning them and that's all that mattered.

Coming out of the dressing room with the pair of jeans he put the sizes he wasn't going to get back and took the ones he was going to get up to the counter to check out.

"You got everything you need?" He heard Remington behind him and turned around to see him with a bag from the store.

Andy nodded. "Yup. You everything you need?" He asked handing the cashier his credit card and store card to pay for the jeans and get points on his Hollister card.

"Yeah. Got myself a new hoodie for sleep during night. I think the one I've been wearing needs to have a replacement every now and then."

A small smile came to Andy's face and he took his bag, cards back, and thanked the cashier as they left the store and tried to find the HotTopic. They still had to go there and see if they can find their own merch and Andy had to get a new belt along with lip piercing. Then he didn't know what they were going to do. Maybe get something to eat, but with the fact he went up a size in jeans, he didn't know if eating would be a good thing for him to do.

The two shopped in HotTopic for thirty minutes before heading to the food court to find some place to get lunch at. Andy had gotten two new belts, both with studs reminding him of his old days, a few new lip piercings, and some random shirts. Including some of his own band, Palaye Royale, Batman, and some of the bands he listened to growing up. He also got himself a new beanie since he only brought one with him and he lost his favorite black one from 2013. Remington didn't buy as much as he did, but he still got a few shirts and some multicolor jeans. Surprisingly enough, both them did not get noticed by anyone in the store, even though two of shirts they each bought had their faces directly on it and their store cards had their names on it.

They luckily found a small vegan place in the food and got something from it. They sat down at table with their food and made sure their bags were next to them and in sight so they didn't get stolen. As Remington started eating his food, Andy was busy putting his cards back into his wallet and making sure none of the transactions on card he used to pay for his items would be the one Juliet used and checked from time to time. He didn't know why she started going through the transactions on his cards, even the cards they didn't share together. She would always tell him not to spend over a certain limit of his own money, and would sometimes even randomly use his cards and when he asked her why he would get a completely off topic answer and the common line of , "We're married. Why wouldn't I be able to use your card?" It didn't always bother him and he knew he should allow her to use his cards from time to time if she needed; however it bothered him at times because he felt as if he had no control over his own spending or well life even. Then again, he himself never felt like he had control over his own life.

"So," he heard Remington speak again across from him, "why weren't you at William's mini party last night? The whole we felt like we were missing someone."

"I don't do parties really. I've tried, and it just never works for me. I've gone to parties and usually sat somewhere in a corner sipping on some alcohol or water." He told him and sipped on his sweet ice tea. "Plus, I just don't want to tempt myself with the alcohol and if William's got Seagrams 7...I'd drink that easily and not a have a care in the world."

Remington hummed in understanding. He could see why Andy wouldn't want to go and why he wouldn't want to be at the party. He could remember from interviews where Andy said he doesn't do well at parties and that he tends to stay in spot the whole time, and the fact that he's sober..it probably would be bad for him. "I can understand that. I think I would be uncomfortable too if I was in that situation." He paused. "Didn't you say though that you drink wine?"

"Yeah, I drink it from time to time. I don't get drunk on it. I've never had. It's nice to have when I'm working on whatever or at dinner. It's nice to have with water or tea even then I don't drink a lot of it." He said picking at his food and slowly eating it. Even though it was low cal and healthy, he didn't want to eat that much. He would easily gain weight if he did so in this past week. "However, I will admit the non-alcoholic wine, or sparkling wine is super good. I mixed it with sweet tea one time, and it was so good."

Remington chuckled. That reminded him of how Sebastian would sometimes mix pop in his gin or whiskey. Or he would sometimes mix something in his drink. It made it taste better. "Reminds me of me when I drink. I always mix something in it if I can. Sebastian though will sometimes just straight up drink out of the bottle of whiskey."

"That's what I used to do." Andy said in between his smalls bites of food. "I don't know why. It wasn't good for me. I don't know if I would be able to do it again." 

For some reason after he said that silence fell over them after he said that. The only sound that filled between them was the sound of the mall. The two singers looked at each other and wondered what to talk about it. Andy shouldn't have left that hanging like that; he always did in some way and he didn't know why. He seemed to be so horrible at talking to others now a days. He wondered how when he went out with anyone they could stand talking to him.

"Are you going to eat.." Remington finally spoke up pointing to something Andy got with his food, "Are you going to eat whatever that is?"

Looking down at the his tray he raised an eyebrow and looked back up at him. "No. Do you want it?"

"Yeah. I don't know why, but whatever it is it looks good."

Pushing his tray closer to Remington he watched the singer take the food and put it onto his tray to eat. Andy didn't know why he got so much food in the first place. He picked at his food and only ate a few bites. He'd probably wouldn't even take it back with him to the hotel. _This was a waste of money. Should got something that less or shouldn't have gotten that as extra. That would have been better._

"After this do you want to spend another hour just looking around in the stores before we go back to the hotel and spend the rest of our night there?" The brown eyed singer asked him as he finished up his food. "I know there's not much for us to do at the hotel when we get back beside the gym and pool; and I know that if anyone of us go outside to see what's around us in that area we'll probably go back inside in a flash."

"We can stay another hour. I don't have much to do anyway." Andy said finishing up his sweet tea.

"Good. Because hanging out with you is really great. You're a great person to hang out with."

Raising his eyebrow at him he felt taken by that. _I'm a great person to hang out with?_ "You think so?"

"Yeah, you really are." Remington said back flashing him a smile as he finished up. "You ready to go and look around before we call the Uber back to the hotel?"

The two got up with their bags and threw away their food, placing the trays where they belonged and went to go walk around the mall. Andy couldn't get the thought of him being a great person to hang out with. That was something he hadn't heard from anyone, beside Beaux, in a long time. Maybe today wasn't going to be bad due to the small hiccup he had this morning, after all it couldn't get much worse than that.


	6. Chapter 6

_"Andy, what are you doing in there?" Ashley's voice reached through the door and into the bathroom of the room. The singer was standing in the corner of the shower staring at himself and the mess he created. He couldn't believe he did this. He was doing so well, he was clean for months, two years, and he ruined it. He opened old wounds. He opened._

_"Andy?" Ashley's voice was louder this time. "I won't hesitate to open this door if you don't answer."_

_Another sob left him as he curled himself further into a ball in the corner. He didn't want Ashley to come in here. He would be so angry, so upset, so— so disappointed him. He'd be disappointed in him more, more than he probably already was._

_"I'm coming in there." Andy heard along with the sound of the door behind opened. He forgot Ashley learned how to open doors, even hotel doors, after some of his incidents. The bassist was always worried and recently with how he was acting, he could understand Ashley's reaction to this. Plus, he bet Ashley could hear his sobs anyway._

_The door handle wiggled a bit more, making Andy close his eyes tighter and let tears fall more. He didn't want Ashley to come in here and see him, yet he had no strength to physically speak or get up and clean himself and the shower off. He had no strength at all._

_"Got it. Okay, Andy I'm coming in." Ashley said and opened the door and in that time stopped Andy. The only thing he could hear was his own breathing, sobbing, and sound of the shower running still. The water had turned cold, making him shake even more._

_For Ashley, he felt his heart break. His heart broke every time he saw the boy in these positions. When he first knew Andy, he knew the boy was strong, vulnerable, but strong. He fought for what he believed in and stood up for what was right; however, when he found out how broken he was; it broke his heart. And now with Andy being 23 going on 24, Ashley still could see that 19 year old boy crying, yelling, and fighting against him as he held him that one time in a venue after a show._

_And seeing Andy now, broke his heart so much._

_"Oh baby.." He said trailing off seeing the singer sobbing and curled up on the shower floor. He walked over to the shower, opened the glass door, turned off the water and crouched down to his level not caring about getting his clothes getting wet. He reached his hand out to touch Andy, only to see him flinch and whimper, curling further into himself._

_"Baby, it's fine. You're fine. I won't hurt you."_

_"You're.." Andy's voice cracked as he spoke, "You are. You're disappointed. Yo..You're angry at..at me for..at me for breaking my promises. For breaking my streak of being clean and..and..and eating." He sobbed and hid his face even more._

_"No, I'm not angry or disappointed Andy." Ashley said and wrapped his arms around the boy and hugged him tightly, not caring if his clothes got wet. He brushed strands of wet hair out of Andy's face and he felt his heart break even more. "I'm just upset you didn't come to me. You know you can always do that."_

_Andy opened his eyes, shakily hugged Ashley and cried. He could come to Ashley, he always could and he didn't know why he didn't this time. Then they wouldn't be in this situation with him, naked, bloody, and wet in the shower and ruining Ashley's clothes. He should just have gone to Ashley. He should have._

_"I'm sorry Ash. I'm..I'm so sorr..sorry!" He sobbed loudly this time and hugged the older male tighter burying his head in the crock of Ashley's neck._

_"Ssshh, it'll be alright Andy. It will be. I'm here, baby." Ashley said and held him tightly, rocking back and forth and rubbing his back. His spin was still pretty prominent, yet it wasn't like it used to be. He was glad Andy was getting better, even if this small hiccup occured._

_"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he whispered, tears still falling down his cheeks, mixing in with the water droplets on his skin._

_"Ssh. It's alright. It's alright."_

"I'm sorry Ash..I'm sorry." He whispered to himself as he watched the blood go down the drain and the memory of Ashley and him fade in his mind. The words shared between them disappearing like the blood, fading in color as the blood did mixing in the water and heading towards the drain.

He did it again. He tried not to. He was stopped the other day, yet he had no one to stop him now, or anyone to even come in here to check on him. After all, he hadn't in a year. No one was there to check on him. No one cared. He was alone and being alone wasn't something he needed. It let his demons out to play and thoughts go wild; and for Andy, that wasn't a good place to be in.

Taking a black wash cloth he brought with him, he got it wet and wiped off the cuts, cleaning them and making sure they would be clean. He rinsed out the wash cloth, then cleaned the blade as well, turned off the shower and got out, wrapped a big fuzzy black towel around his body. It made him feel so small, the color black always did. He took a white towel and used it to dry off his hair. He walked over to the sink and began to dry off the blade so it didn't get rusted. He set down on one of the hotel wash clothes only to look up and see his reflection through the foggy mirror. The fog was fading and showing him his face. He hated what he saw, it always wrapped his appearance. There was never a time he looked good, or there was at one point. He saw a person who was weak, unattractive, and dull. Not one ounce of personality or attraction. He didn't understand why people told him he was attractive or that he a great personality. He was ugly. His cheeks were chubby, and made him look like he was back in middle school and high school. His personality was so dull, no one cared for what he said or even was intrigued by it. Sometimes he just ended up not talking, sitting there attempting to take part in a conversation, or because he knew no one would want to hear him.

Ripping his face away from the mirror, he got to cleaning up the cuts he made, bandaged them, up and put the towel with a pile of some of his clothes to clean. He did his face routine and made sure all his items he used were put back into the bag they go and walked out of the room to change into his pair of Batman pyjama bottoms and a long sleeved Batman shirt. Once in those and comfortable, he sat on the hotel bed with his laptop and phone charging. The TV was turned onto some random channel, HGTV he believed; since when he came back earlier he just picked some random channel to put on for background noise except he got into the shows that was on the channel. Whenever he was at home alone and didn't have to do so many dail task, he flip the channel on and watch it, sometimes even talking to the TV and telling the people on the show what was wrong with the house or apartment they were getting or renovating. He would even watch it with the pets and anytime Daredevil barked, or Crow and Femme rubbed against him he would talk to them about the show. It made him feel good that he had someone else in the house to listen to him.

Letting out a slew of air he opened his blog, or blogs. He had a secret Tumblr account and a blog site; linked to the Tumblr; and the strangest part was how no wondered who he was. No one questioned. He used his named, but no one flashed an eye. No one even asked him why he looked like that one singer of that one band, no one did. It made him feel safe about it that he could have the blogs and not have anyone on his case. Or this getting out to the public. There were a few incidents where it was found out, almost found out.

He had accidently left his phone open on the Tumblr app open to the blog on his couch. CC had been over at his place one day and almost saw it. Andy thankfully was able to catch it before he could see it. Andy knew CC was concerned for him just as Ashley; after all Andy and CC were pretty close. The drummer would always try to be there for him when he can and it made Andy felt nice he had so many people to care for him; however, if he saw the blog...it would be too much. The second incident happened one the tour bus one time. They were in the UK at the time and were hanging out on the bus. He had left his laptop unattended for a few minutes in the downstairs lounge by the small kitchen while he had went up the second level of the bus to get his coffee cup he left there. When he came back down he saw Ashley and Jinxx going over to see by him, and he can't remember how he did it; but Andy made it to them without tripping over himself and shut his laptop in a flash only to get questioning glances from the two.

Those were the two vivid incidents Andy could remember. He could faintly remember his mom finding about it, yet that had been when he went home one time and he accidently showed her a part of it while trying to show her something else. She never questioned though which left Andy feeling relief.

Typing away and constructing the new post, he paused and glanced over to his phone that was vibrating on the bed. His eyes widen when he saw the contact name and his heart rate increased. Juliet was calling and he didn't know if it was good or bad, but she was calling him. Licking his lips, he picked up his phone and slide the green accept icon over and heard her voice on the phone. She didn't sound angry that was good, yet the could never tell.

"Daredevil, please stop barking. I'll feed you soon." Her voice said reaching Andy's ears along with the sound of movement and Daredevil barking. It made Andy a bit worried. They always made sure when the pets needed fresh food they gave it to them. _Please tell me you're feeding them, Dragonfly. Please tell me you are and not ignoring them._

"Anyway, sorry about that, Daredevil is barking at me for food even though he has food in his bowl still. Even the cats were meowing at me too earlier until I gave them food." Juliet said while laughing. "So, you had a day off today on tour?"

"Yeah, we did." Andy said fastly. For some reason, his heart was racing for multiple reasons and he felt his stomach get butterflies. Even with that gut wrenching feeling, he had a feeling this would be a good conversation. "We had a day off today and then one tomorrow before we leave around 11 tomorrow night to get back on the road. It's nice to be able to relax and wind down. Beside the snow, yet it reminds me of home at times."

"It's good to hear that. For some reason I lost the copy of the tour schedule you have me, so I don't know what the dates are for the shows and days off."

_You lost it? There's...there's multiple copies around our house. How did you lose it?_ "I can send you another copy if you want to print off so you have."

"You would? That'd be great, babe. I'll print it off right away when I get the email." She told him. "That way I can know where you are, the showtimes, and days off. I'm forgetful about that, you know."

Andy hummed. "Yeah. I know you can be."

"What was that?"

_Fuck. I said that. Shit._ "So how has the pets and you been doing?" He asked quickly changing the subject. He shouldn't have said that. Hopefully she doesn't bring it up.

"I've been alright. Angie came over the other day and we've hanged out. She even dressed up Daredevil in one of your old shirts. So cute." She said ecstatically. "We even ordered him some shirts and got Crow and Femme some. Though after dressing them up once, I don't think they like it."

"Daredevil is fine wearing shirts, he is small, but Crow and Femme don't." He said. "I tried once when I got Crow, but he didn't like it. What shirt did you put on Daredevil?"

"One of your old tour shirts. I got it from your room."

If Andy was drinking something right now he would have spit it out. Juliet never goes into his room, unless she forces herself in there or sneaks in. He was always fearful of her going into his room, after all, it was the only place where he could be safe. His safe space. Andy only hoped that was the only thing she got from his room, and didn't go through anything else. That's the last thing he needed.

"Yo..you did? You wen..went into my room?"

She scoffed and Andy could technically hear her rolling her eyes. "Yes. What am I, not allowed to go into your room now when I need something? Jesus Christ Andy. We own that place, and it's mine as much as yours. I can go where I want in the house and I knew Daredevil would look cute in one of your shirts. Don't throw a fit from me going into your room. I don't complain when you come into my room."

Andy felt like he had been slapped in the face. He looked down and picked at his pants. _She's right. I shouldn't complain...but she complains when I go into her room..so why does...God, I shouldn't have asked her that._ "I'm sorry. I..You're right. You're allowed to go into my room. It's my fault for asking and sounding rude."

"Whatever, and don't stutter when you talk. It's annoying and off setting. Makes you sound like when we just meant, and like how you were up to a year ago."

"Sorry." He whispered back.

"Also, did you spend any money on your one card? I went to check the amounts in them today, and it said something about one eighty spent at Holister, about one forty at HotTopic, some spent at this random food place. Where the fuck did you go."

"The mall."

"I don't know what the fuck you had to buy, but maybe you should not spend that much money next time. Seriously. I don't want to-" She paused, making Andy hear random noise and some static come from her end until he heard her voice again. 

"Daredevil, Crow!" She shouted. "I got to go. They're barking and meowing. I don't know what they're doing. I'll call you later and we'll talk more."

"Oh, okay. Just call back when you can. I love.." The sound of Juliet ending the call cut him off and he sat on the bed looking down more. "...you."

She always cut off right when he began to say that or ignore it. Placing his phone done, he sniffed and rubbed his face. He couldn't cry though. He couldn't and he wouldn't.

Taking a long deep breath and rubbing his face again he got comfortable and got back to writing on his blog and occasionally watching the TV. He had to get this up and finished. Hopefully his thoughts didn't get jumbled up and ruin the night that was already going bad even more. He didn't need to do something else he didn't and shouldn't do. After all, he didn't want to be a disappointment more than he already was.

—

On the floor above Andy, Remington sat in his room with Sebastian and Emerson. The three brothers were talking about what they did today, what they saw from their fans on Twitter or Instagram, and just the normal things they talk about. Normal brother things. Of course, they also were goofing off, a normal they always did that when they were all together there mom would make sure they weren't doing anything too bad. After all, they were still her little boys and would always try to make sure they weren't acting up. However, the brothers were always good, even if they did somethings their mom would lecture them, and that's what Remington was dealing with now.

"Mom totally did not tell you that?"

"She did. She texted me and called me asking, "Sebastian, why is your brother climbing on top of equipment?" And I told her, mom, I don't know, he does his own thing." Sebastian said with a laugh as he watched his brother's face morph into various expressions. "She said that if you hurt yourself, she's coming to see you and strictly to remind you not to climb anymore."

"Mom wouldn't do that." He scoffed. "Mom would totally not come..no you're right she would come to see me. Whatever, I'm still going to climb up on stuff. It's my thing and everyone loves it. I'm not going to hurt myself, and if I do, I'm blaming you."

"Why me? Stop pointing at me too." Sebastian told him and took a swig of his whiskey. He didn't have an gin, yet whiskey was second best.

"I'm pointing at you because you're the older brother and responsible for both Emerson's and I's actions. Especially Emerson."

"Hey!"

"I'm sorry, but you are the youngest here and Sebastian is the one responsible for us." Remington said sitting on the bed crossed legged with a smile on his face until he had to dodge a pair of pants being thrown at him. He gave a "What the fuck," look at his older brother who sat there smirking.

"Be responsible for your own self."

Emerson sat there on the other bed laughing. For some reason when they all joked around like this he laughed a lot. It reminded him of times when they were still pretty young and joking around at home. It was always great times and still was.

"Oh, stop laughing Em."

"What?" he laughed some more and tried to hid it. "It's funny Remi. Calm down." Emerson said to him only to see his brother pout, murmur something under his breath, and lean against the bed. Remington was such a drama queen, but the type you couldn't hate.

"So," the younger brother spoke up again. "where did you go this morning? You told you were going somewhere, but didn't tell us where."

"I went to the mall."

"With?"

_Why is he pestering me? Why does it matter?_ "Why does it matter if I went with anyone? I've gone by myself, you don't know."

Emerson and Sebastian glanced at each other before looking at their brother and said at the time, "Sure."

Groaning, he leaned back against the pillows of the bed and hit his arms against the bed. "Fine. Since you two just have to know who I go with; I went with Andy."

"Called it. Seb, you own me thirty."

"You guys were betting?" His voiced raised as he shot up and watched his older brother hand the money over to Emerson. "Do you two bet on everything I do since I'm the middle child?"

"No, we made the bet because we knew it would happen. We just didn't know when." Emerson said and slide the bills in his pocket. "Are you going to tell us what happened?"

"Nothing really happened. We bumped into each other when he was coming out of the elevator, accidently spilled my coffee, asked him where he was going since he was all dressed up, he said mall, so I asked, he agreed, and we went. We went to Hollister because he had buy some new clothes, then we went to HotTopic, got some food, then hung out for another hour there. What more could there be to that? It's not deep."

"I don't know, you two hanging out longer and getting close." Sebastian said.

"Nothing like that would happen. Why would you think that?" Remington shot back and rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe his brothers. Thinking that Andy and him would get close like that. A total ridiculous idea.

"Because you totally have a crush on him." Sebastian stated clearly only to hear a loud gasp from Remington. "What? You clearly do. We aren't stupid Remington."

"I don't have a crush on him! Plus, he's married for Christ sake, he's totally straight, we're about three years apart in age, and totally different from each other."

A scoff came from Emerson. "You think he's straight? Have you seen him. He's not. Also, he's blushed around you or when you're name has been mentioned."

"What? No. No. No. No. He hasn't done any of that. How would know?"

If Emerson could his eyes to the next universe, he would. "Remington, I've seen it. I've gone back stage and seen him blush and get flustered when you're name is brought up. Hell, even Beaux mentioned that when they're all backstage watching some of our set the other day, he's seen Andy stare at you with his eyes shining. What do call that?"

"Nothing. He doesn't have a crush on me, and I totally don't have a crush on him." Remington said, crossing his arms against his chest. He couldn't believe it. _Why are they thinking I have a crush on Andy? I don't. We are completely different people and both straight. I am straight. I know I am. Right? Yup, I'm completely and one hundred percent straight....I think._

Noticing his brothers obvious distress over this, Emerson sighed and leaned forward in his brothers direction, yet careful enough not to fall off the bed. Remington alway got defensive about these conversations. Emerson, even Sebastian, didn't know if it was because he was suppressing his true feelings or afraid of coming out to them even though he had nothing to fear. It made Emerson worry for him. They would never judge Remington if he wasn't straight, he'd be the same Remington they all knew.

"Remington..Remi, if you have a crush on him it's perfectly fine. You know that Sebastian and I don't care if you like him or whoever? As long as you don't love a murdered or someone who acts like Seb,"

"Hey."

"We support you and love you. You're are brother, and if you want to talk about it you know you can."

Glancing over at him, the singer felt defeated and upset at himself for getting worked up over his brother's questions. He knew they cared, even if they joked and pestered him. He shouldn't have overreacted to them. He felt bad for that. "I'm sorry Em. I know you guys do care for me. A lot too. I promise though if I do have a crush on him or anyone, I'll let you know."

"Good. So, do you have a crush on him or no?"

"Emerson!"

—

"I don't know CC. I just feel so lost."

"You sound like you got a lot on your mind, are you sure you're alright?" The drummer asked as he watched Andy shift around.

The two were Facetiming. Andy had texted him an hour after he got the phone with Juliet and finished his blog post. He was tempted to talk to Ashley, yet he didn't know if he'd respond; and he didn't want bother Beaux either. He didn't need to dump all his problems on Beaux, or Ashley, or even CC, yet here he was dumping all his problems on CC.

"I'm fine Chuppy." He said solemnly hoping he wouldn't hear that. Except he did.

"Andy. Usually when you use that nickname something's wrong; and you've used it multiple times since we've been Facetiming and texting." CC told him making him hide his face. "What's going on, little bat?"

Andy's cheeks flushed at that and he hid his face. Little bat was one of the nicknames he had, and CC came up with it. It was a day everyone can remember since Andy was wearing his Batman onesie pyjamas. The nickname stuck ever since then.

"Nothing..I just..I'm conflicted Chuppy. I have..there is so much going on, my emotions all over there, I feel so alone, I feel like I may like Remington and..and..I miss you. The band. I..just.." Andy cut himself off and buried his face in the pillow. If he started crying, he didn't need CC to see it.

"Woah. Woah. Wait, you like Remington? The lead singer of the band, Palaye Royale, you mentioned?"

Andy nodded. "Yeah. I don't know. There's something about him, but CC- I'm married..I can't just..I mean, I still have feelings for Ash, you, I'm married to Juliet and I..I love her, so I can't have feelings for him. Plus, he would never date anyone like me if he could. I don't even know how anyone likes me."

"Little bat calm down and breath. Stop worrying about that. We all know you still have feelings for Ash, and I know you still have feelings for me which I find amazingly sweet and if I was there right now I would be hugging you and letting you know everything is alright. You're my little bat, I gotta make sure you're doing alright." He said seeing Andy on the screen crack a smile. "Now, as for your little crush on Remington, I don't see a problem beside the fact of your marriage. Which reminds me, is everything going alright? Are you and Juliet fine?"

"Yeah, we're...we're fine. Completely fine. Why woul..wouldn't it be?"

"It's just you seem jumpy on the subject. We're worried about you. We don't want anything to happen to you. Ever. We don't want to see you hurt."

If there was a moment where Andy would break down and cry, it would be there. If he could tell CC everything that was going on, he would. He would break down and tell him what has happened, what was going on, and that he was back into the demons he hd kept locked up for so long. If he could tell him all that right now, and maybe it would help him. Yet he couldn't. He couldn't tell.

"Thank you Chuppy, but I'm fine. We're fine. Trust me."

The drummer raised an eyebrow. "Okay, but if anything is wrong Andy, little bat, please tell me."

"I will, Chuppy. I will." Andy said seeing CC's smile which made his heart feel good. He loved when he made or seen CC smile. His smile was always great and bright. It was a beautiful smile and Andy would defend CC's smile if anyone say anything bad about it.

"Now," he saw him sit up against his bed and saw one of CC's dogs, on the bed. "tell me all about Remington, Emerson, Sebastian, and their band. I want to hear everything until you need to go sleep."

A laugh escaped Andy. The first one he gave all night too. It felt good talking to CC. It always felt good talking to him. The drummer always knew how to brighten up anyone's day, and for Andy; CC sure did that for him.


End file.
